I TRUST IN YOU

2010-01-30T14:14:00.008+08:00

heyy. i know i havent posted for a long time. i've moved to lj!! haha. tinysnowflakes. see you guys around soon!

2010-01-30T14:14:00.005+08:00

heyy. i konw i havent posted for a long time. i've moved to lj!! haha. tinysnowflakes. see you guys around soon!

2010-01-30T14:14:00.001+08:00

heyy. i konw i hav ent posted for a long time. i've moved to lj!! haha. tinysnowflakes. see you guys around soon!

2009-08-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

competition feels so good.
i've hardly felt so alive in the past few weeks XD

2009-08-06T19:22:00.002+08:00

I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go --
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I don't think I
Said 'I love you' near enough --

i dunno. it seems so poignant. and sad. and almost like finishing up this chapter of my life and opening up another. of course the song is on a whole different erm level of meaning from what im thinking. but still. there are so many father figures in my life, and its not that they're dying lah, but isn't it always that we miss things only when they're gone? and that when we lament and pine it's all too late to remedy the pain. and to my biggest father figure

i never said 'i love you' near enough...

oh dear me. i need to learn to love back.

anddd. the song's stuck in my head. sigh

2009-08-06T19:03:00.003+08:00

oh right, and on another note.

i was on shuffle on my ipod, and well... if i can get cadenza dvd out, i think i would like to try to get the video out. the song leader of the band seems so appropriate. sounds like its one year late, but nevertheless, it really resounded in me. and well, kinda weird that it was the tuesday of our last band week and i didnt even know ><

and i honestly dont know what to do with the cadenza video. its hanging so much. the file is too big for even the black mac to handle. sigh. should i remake it all over again? and pray it hopes right this time? then again, it took so long to handle, and all that i need is just a couple of clicks to move the chapters into the right place. but it takes 10 minutes to just open the file. how how how. i want to get it out. farewell is so soon and looming above our heads.

and i really dont feel confident in leaving.

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul --
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
Im just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.

2009-08-06T18:52:00.003+08:00

i've got withdrawal syndrome. and more especially after what happened today and reading jiaxuan's post kinda opened up everything.

its so scary to live life as if there is no tomorrow, as if everything might come to an end the moment you live it. so live it well, live it good, never regret something while you're walking away, cuz it might just slip through your fingers and run away.

its as if i havent been taught enough. that everything i know has been taken? yah, definitely. like i still need to grasp the concept cuz everything time i pick it up, it slips through my hand like sand.

the harry potter game made my life easier. and funnier. and more exhilarating =) and better still, taught me there's more to life than just riding the waves to the next crest. maybe deep inside the trench there's something worth finding? and worth cherishing. hm, and definitely that something that looks unimportant may give you some good times. i had never touched a gaming console (save for sam's Wii) ever in my life, yet it can be so fun and fulfilling. cuz sometimes in life we've gotta try. and cherish. and never let go till it slips away on the slightest wisp of the wind.

somehow im more motivated to do work? my physics file is rapidly doing better. cuz i want so much to do better. cuz i know i can and that if i try i will. i dont want the next 14 days of school to be a waste. only a couple more blocks till the end. although we still will have math and chinese and cle and pe lessons, it wont feel the same.

kinda funny. i got down to work on physics and chinese the moment i got home. which is weird in a way.

so i guess, delve into work and live life fully?

i keep getting little jolts once or twice a week to tell me to cherish my life more, and stop putting things off till later. thank you Lord, for telling me these little things in little ways. i hope i will continue going on and finding my way. the path that He wants me to tread. i hope i find it soon. and stop fiddling around with time.

2009-07-31T22:05:00.001+08:00

im surely the epitome of the phrase 'frustrated with myself'

and this is not the time for it.

2009-07-27T18:56:00.003+08:00

hm. just had a nice little talk with my mama in the car, and i've decided (for now at least) to use this blog as erm i dunno a more insubstantial part of my life. like for remmebering the good ole fun times and the fangirling, and the whining and groaning. and the more heartfelt for my diary which i've decided to revive again. oh sigh. i'm getting more and more fickle nowadays.

but at least it'll be good to have a personal space to myself. cuz a locked blog online doesnt really serve as a diary much does it? so cold and unfeeling. to me at least.

hm reading jiaxuan's posts is in no way not interesting heh. (oops and im supposed to be doing my lit fa now). somehow her posts are so much more.. intuitive i guess? and analytic sometimes. more deep.

heh and i just squeal..

and the car is so pretty and so new and filled with soft toys. i've fallen childishly head over heels in love with hugging tor-tor our big blown up tortoise from mini toons to sleep in the back seat. where thankfully there's air-con. not like all those sedan cars where the air con's only in front. i think i've gotten my mother's penchant/love for big SUVs, which my father promised my mum he'll get for her in two or three years! cant wait. if our car is so good and spacious now, the SUV will be so superbly brilliant. and the best thing is that we can go to Malaysia any time we want. =) in the car. in comfort. cuz there's cruise control so i hope mama can drive us there. =) lala. happy happy much.

and somehow.. the harry potter craze seems so unreal to me. especially since i was so unimpressed by goblet,cuz all the wizarding element seems to be squashed under that scary castle imagery they were trying to do, with all the mist, and the forbidding forest. now, with not being able to go with charm and jx to go watch it, and even with all the hype of going like twice every week to go play the game, i dont even feel like watching it already.

anddd. lastly. i'm so looking forward to tomorrow's session. i've got some questions that need answering, and i oh so hope we will be doing revelation or the great adventure series since we've finished the other one. oh please, lets start soon, shall we? =)

2009-07-25T22:03:00.002+08:00

random things. before i forget.

this is kinda funny. like when i send messages on my phone and i wanna select a recipient, i either have a choice of recent contacts i've sent messages to, or phonebook. and the recent contacts i've had are logos members, and my mum, who has been the reigning champion ever since i got the hp, has been relegated to a dismal 5th. oh dearie. >< quite funny come to think of it.

and i was calculating my approximate costs of buying all the stuff i had planned to buy. and it kinda amounts to near a hundred. why do study bibles cost so much. and the great adventure one is even worse. maybe i should stick to the good ole e books, pontificate letters, and lectio divina. and logos sessions. and webbies. and meditation. i really liked how he explained this. its like as if a whole new world has opened up for me.

oh how it costs 50 plus bucks and thats only the new testament.

and i cant believe how our house doesnt have a single catholic bible. how can. sigh. we all have niv or king james (why king james ah why?) no. catholic. bible. and no ccc too.

i really should get down to working again. study time.

2009-07-25T21:36:00.004+08:00

i havent had any time for myself this week, ever since monday. but it was good. for it was spent with family, friends, and in the service of God. for the first time in my life, yes first time, dont laugh, i felt good not because i got an essay done or i finished a compre, but because i saw the love of God shining in people's faces, and in the events around me. And i think He works in wonderful and mysterious ways. after such a tumultous, scary, sorrowful, busy, heartbreaking, regret-filled start to the week, and for the first time seeing my mother break down, and seeing her raw faith in God, the Almighty Father has given me sustenence and hope through the bible seminar. now i truly realise that while not even i can comfort my mum but God can, while friends may comfort me, but only God can truly reach deep within my heart, see my pain, see who i truly am, and truly understand me, and comfort the insignificant me.

its truly such a blessing. that i was feeling so down yet He has uplifted me. He has given me countless warnings, but I have not listened. But I will this time.

And today was really really.. no words can express it. I've felt so blessed that even from the Garden of Eden where our first parents committed original sin, God has given us a glimmer of hope, that His all encompassing love reaches out and covers us His children. and how we are called to be disciples of His, matyrs of His, to BE HIS KINGDOM in this world, and witness to others His magnificent love. and i ask myself, where in my life have I done this. For i have always asked but never given. and if my mother is self-sacrificial (to the point of covering up her own grief for our own good. ma please dont, let me share in your burden please.), then God is the utmost undying love.

And I have been filled with such joy and wonder at His Word today, at his immaculate plans. truly His time rivals no other. How Jesus our Passover Lamb has redeemed us, and He has prepared a room for us in heaven, and all of us can rest assured that er yi is there partaking in the 'marriage vows' that God has promised us, the eternal rest, that she is dancing in eternal joy. oh thank God, Praise God the Almighty Father.

May I never forget the zest that filled me today. I have felt so blessed working for the Lord, seeing the people filter out of the hall with light on their faces, newfound joy. (oh yes i must remmeber to bring the money!) and thank you so much to all those on the organizing team. i know i have given ben stress too XD and gen for being the other wonderful half of me. thank you for staying back when i didnt, and helping me finish the board.

I have been filled with such a hunger for God's Word. maybe its cuz of that innate feeling in me sometimes when i see unread books. like i want to read them and devour them. but this hunger was like nothing else. like i felt so inadequate, and only God could fill me like a water tank that will never get full. like a sponge. ok whatever metaphor there can be. I wanted so much to learn more, so much to learn His will for me, that no matter where I may want to go, it is because it is His will for me, and what He wants me to do, and that in my actions, people may see His kingdom come. to study His Word really this isnt studying at all. how could i have ever thought that! for all the months being in logos, I've never appreciated my ministry more. sure, praise and worship is bravo, but im like musically challenged much. =) im more suited being the audience, singing praises to God who has blessed us and taken us under His wing although we have failed Him so many many many times. thank you Lord for logos, and for gen and for all the people who have made this event possible. im glad i said i would take part. and i know my mum has been stressed over my staying out so late. hmm so thats why im here at 9 40 typing this out, while the others are at the hall putting in the last touches to the hall exhibition. my heart aches, i should be with you guys sharing in the joy of serving others, touching others, but i also totally enjoyed my diner with my family. i think ever since the events of last week, we all have silently made resolutions not to wait till the last minute to show our love. this was the first time we took out those playing cards ever since like what the start of the year?

and i should add another thing. i think we have really touched people and i thank God for talking to us through thomas smith (who is a great guy, and so full of knowledge of God's Word. and so eagar to tell us more and more and more). i was counting the love offerings in the youth office and i have never handled so much money before in my life, and people were just so generous and it was so touching. and many many people said yes i want to have more events like this, whether by our church or by other churches. this has been so uplifting.

ok enough said. maybe pictures tomorrow so i can remember this eventful week. and today of course. wow. I praise you God for Your Love. thank you for everything you've done for me. thank you thank you thank you.

2009-07-21T17:32:00.003+08:00

got this from another person's blog

The Logos

"In the beginning was the Logos, and the Logos was with God, and the Logos was God. He was in the beginning with God; all things were made through Him, and without Him was not anything made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men ... And the Logos became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld His glory, glory as of the only Son from The Father." (John 1:1-4,14 RSV)

Many recognize those familiar words of the apostle John, with perhaps one exception. We have used the original Greek word Logos (illustrated at right) in place of Word, that most English-language Bibles use in those translated Scriptures.

What and Who was The Logos?

If we carefully read what John wrote in his Gospel account, we see that the Logos was with God, and was God, but was not a God, because there is only one God:

"Fear not, nor be afraid; have I not told you from of old and declared it? And you are My witnesses! Is there a God besides Me? There is no Rock; I know not any" (Isaiah 44:8 RSV)

The Logos was the wisdom and power by which God created the heavens and the earth:

"He is the image of the invisible God, the first-born of all creation; for in Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or authorities - all things were created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning, the first-born from the dead, that in everything he might be pre-eminent. For in Him all the fulness of God was pleased to dwell." (Colossians 1:15-19 RSV)

The Logos became flesh, but God did not become flesh:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him." (John 3:16-17 RSV)
"And the Logos became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld His glory, glory as of the only Son from The Father." (John 1:14 RSV)

Jesus Christ obeyed God, and said of The Father:

"I do as the Father has commanded Me, so that the world may know that I love The Father." (John 14:31 RSV)

the above is really not mine ok.

just... God speaks to me in so many ways. in the midst of so much turmoil, and general busy-ness, reproach and the seminar, He still takes me into His hand, time and time again, after i've failed, or haven't tried my best. and teaches me that there's always time to try again, to learn after having being weak, to pick myself up, and face what's coming even though all i want to do is run away and hide. life was never easy. no one said it was going to be.

2009-07-19T08:45:00.004+08:00

老橡树上的黄丝带(Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree)歌词

I'm coming home I've done my time*(1)
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me
If you still want me

Oh tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years do you still want me
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus forget about us put the blame on me*(2)
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree

Bus driver please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison and my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and tell her please

Oh tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years do you still want me
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus forget about us put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree

Now the whole damn bus is cheering
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons round the ole oak tree
I'm coming home

well other than the fact that im supposed to translate this thing, i think its so poignant. and so.. how do i say it. so sad, and yet so hopeful and optimistic, like the dawn of the morning and the birds are chirping yet the room is still all so dark.

and well, i had better stop reveling in the song cuz i do need to translate it.

2009-07-19T08:21:00.002+08:00

i've been feeling so weird lately. so out of touch some how.

and funnily though, this blog is becoming somewhat like a diary for me. i've more of less abandoned the other one, firstly cuz (yes i know its childish) but i really cannot stand my handwriting, secondly, my mum's been reading it without be knowing, and thirdly, it aint not much of a secret in my family that my pretty little book well, houses secrets. sighh.
but another thing about a blog is that i cant exactly stop ppl from reading. so i guess this shall have to do while i find another outlet. maybe a locked blog? or ... hm i dont really know.

i think i've become more reminiscent this year. i keep holding on to the memories of the psat, and then comparing it to this year, or last week, or last month. and i try desperately to hold on to whatever i have left. and it really saddened me that after my first explosive first day at school after philippines, the enthusiasm for school kind of died down. and when jia xuan and i were trying to pick out from our gray matter what funny stuff or memorable stuff had happened on every day after i came back, oh man, we couldnt remember. i really dont want the last year of my life to be so.. uneventful? just because i cant remember the good ole times we've had. so haha, i've got little snapshots of my rgs life written in my handbook, a stark and very visual reminder set against the backdrop of all the homework jotted down, or the events to remember, stuff like that. i'm glad i got such a nice and pretty handbook at the beginning of the year, so that i will always remember when i go to work or inexorably grow up.

oh yes.... since i havent blogged for so long, everything keeps coughing up. after the last time where we played the harry potter on friday, (where we learnt STUPEFY!! yes stupefy not the stupify lah. it really looks like as if we're trying to make someone stupid. and learnt how to run around like geeks not knowing how to find the quidditch place. and learnt how to really brew a potion! oh man. haha jiaxuan: potions is really more fun than chem!) i bought that 70 cent ice cream from macdonald which to me is seriously on of the best ice creams in the world. one, its cheap. two, did i mention it was CHEAP? three, its sweet, refreshing and not that oily creamy taste you get with some ice creams sometimes. four, the wafer is just awesomely crunchy. and five, the last part is heavenly. sweet, cold, crunchy. YUM YUM.

i realise i digress a lot.

point of matter being, after i ate that ice cream, took a leisurely walk back to the bus stop. i thought bout lots of things. seriously, i love quiet times. we human beings just somehow need time away from others. then i got on the bus, and there was this cute adorable girl, not more than 2 or 3 i think. (i'm very bad at estimating ages). she dropped this empty sweet packet she was holding, and i picked it up for her. then went back to where i was standing. the adorable girl kept holding out the packet, saying jie jie (very cutely XD) and her ah mah was kinda like ' bu yao pian jia jia lah, mei you tang guo le!" but i was like never mind, so i played with her, took it and returned it back XD then it was time to get off. she stood on her ah ma's lap and waved goodbye and flying kiss-ed (oh my, the same way that i used to with my mum when she went off to work when we were in our yishun flat. she used to ask from the doorway, and i would clutch the iron bars. oh my oh my.) so i stood at the bus stop not wanting to go into school and waved good bye.

and heheh i was smiling stupidly and did a small twirl dance in the corridor when i realised there were girls going home haha. and i didnt put my nametag on till uh i passed those girls.

2009-07-12T11:36:00.002+08:00

you made it all
said let there be
and there was,
all that we see,

the sound of your voice,
the works of your hands,
you do all thing well,
you do all things well.

Amen.

2009-07-11T19:48:00.004+08:00

some pretty pictures of life flying by. taken somewhere near or in bukit batok i think.

2009-07-09T23:31:00.002+08:00

my wife goes with me to the front door,
my friends accompany to the main street.
my children go with me to the cemetery
who goes with me to the end?

who can lead us through life's journeys but ourselves? families are your pillar of support. but they've got their own lives as well, they can't bother about you forever.

and my mum's being infinitely cute XD trying to learn how to use gmail. haha quite epic. what's this what's that.

and tomorrow =) im smiling to myself thinking about it. school becomes such a joy when you think positively of it, and remember the things that you'll miss when you go, and then enjoying them all the more. we're going to lido again tomorrow.. to play harry potter!! duelling hahaha. i seriously think the two of them bowing to each other with wands in their hands, and bowing in such a medieval way is simply hilarious. and playing with jia xuan is darn fun =)

and and.. my sister has finally given up on her jason mraz craze, went briefly through a disney songs, then beyonce, and now its taylor swift. >< its been coming to one week already. oh dear. i totally can recognize her songs by now i think. i dont know how she did her dsa application form with all those songs running by!!!

2009-07-06T08:33:00.001+08:00

YES FEDERER WON HIS 15TH GRAND SLAM TITLE!!!!!!

blurry pictures

2009-07-05T20:54:00.003+08:00

oh man. im such a sucker for happy endings arent i.

australia was so good, so heartwarming, so hilariously funny, downright scary at one point, beautiful scenery, excellent cinematography if that s the way you spell it. and the themes. oh goodness. how all the characters and the personas and the themes of the story were pulled seamlessly into the climax, flashing all at once, the galupa, the three main characters, the carnage, the tears the smoke, the death, and then the life. as i said im a sucker for sweet happy endings, nicole kidman and hugh make such a great pair, all the stuff i like about movies are all struck into one big deal, with lots more to boot.

hugh is so hot and nicole kidman does such a great job, and so does nullah. the use of the plateau during the middle, that perfect time the three of them had together. was such a great plot device. cuz everything was perfect, life was perfect, the dynamics of that family was perfect. but when they tear themselves apart cuz of some stupid fight, and then the war makes them think that they've lost each other, and then then they find each other again. i cried. (quite a funny picture. crying in front of the com, with my pink earphones. i think i would have looked a bit weird).

but then they were given a second chance. and they appreciate each other more because of the scare they've had, when death is irreversible and you cant hold it back.

im such in an emo-y state.

i really should have know to watch this with someone then watch it by myself and then emo here in front of this unfeeling com. hm. i ll just hyperventilate here then try to do some chinese. before my tuition tomorrow hai.

becky and the rest of my family are watching war of the worlds. OH RIGHT XD
ads. and beckys replying now =)

so many people died. the mother (now we cant say her name anymore cant we?), her brother, the evil bad man, the faultless catharine (who had to die to make a point, who was too naive to see her husband was such a bad ass. sigh), maitland, thousands others in world war 2. (more than that), so many so many.

coming back home was like picking up where we all left off because life's like that. it sucks you in, reminds you of everything you had to do and have to do, the insignificant little things that arent that really important after all.

i felt so guilty. going back after five years. only rushing back because the people you love are in danger and they're going away. so.. i dunno. i felt so cheated. oh shit. i feel so many things.

like walking away from school. i hate how i used to sleep in class, and i hate how only after my mum came back from the parent teacher thing did i then realise that all the teachers actually are disappointed. and concerned. and that sleeping late was such a stupid thing to do. and that people in my class have actually labeled me to something to that effect. the girl who always sleeps in class. and faced with just changing seats, and then (at that time) having to walk away and stay away for 2 weeks was excruxiating. and i had never felt so much like running back and attending class before. and what am i going to do when these 19 weeks end? and i really have to turn around and walk away? second chance. take it and go.

like going back, and realising everything has changed. that your grandparents think so highly of you. think that you're their prize scholar, that all these years you;ve been doing well. that you've got a future plan for your life and you've got none. at all. not even the vaguest idea what you would like to do cuz you've got ideas but they are flitting around the place. and going back after three days. knowing that anytime you could get a call. and wishing you could have stayed longer that first week of july. and life doesnt give second chances. not when there isnt anymore left. i really hope that this november will come when we can go back again. i really hope that we can go back again, that God grant us this second chance, and hopefully even in time for their golden anniversary next year.

i feel so cheated. that everytime someone near me passes away or is near to the gates of heaven, im only told then. why why why do the adults think we cannot take it, when all we are left with is regret, that we hadnt taken the time to appreciate what we had and create more memories. cuz its no use going to the hospital bed anymore. NOT ANYMORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

its raining now.
there could be life again.

im praying.. that they can hold on, find the strength to hold on, that God grant them peace, that His will be done, and that I will be prepared for it when it comes. I pray that He will grant me the strength too, that He might guide me and show me the way so that I won't waste my time anymore, because it is precious.

2009-06-26T22:39:00.002+08:00

hm. two quotes that i really like.

mark hart: if you cant say no, then your yes means nothing.

lee wei ling: Never put off till tomorrow something that one can and should do today. there may be no tomorrow.

aw man. i should get out of this i ll do this later mode. and start doing everything i should be doing now. or soon. or at least plan for it to happen. be realistic. plan for a miracle.

SIGH

oh yeah. and i got this cool flip out postcard starring some watercolor pandas. so adorable. and so pretty. and really smart. and jx got like a couple of very good dvds in china. for like 5 plus dollars! so cheap! wahhhh. angels and demons, australia and the likes. so good! i could have really used a nice trip this hols. hm

ok. two minutes of blabbering here goes.

had this awesome fudge cake and avocado milkshake that tastes like mos' milkshake (in texture) so nice =)
and going to see the doctor 2moro. at 830! can i even wake up ><
twitter. is. so. funny. and i just signed up. lalala
i miss nyw.
or more importantly i havent touched my clarinet ever since nyw
and more importantly, i want to. i havent felt that in ages.
2moro's a hectic day again.
doctor, then rush to print, then rush again to church for saint paul the musical.
and then try to arrange schedule
and oh crap i must rmb to tell someone im not coming for the rwinds prac. AGAIN. oh man i really want to go for one prac. darnnnit. i want to touch my clarinet and play again.
lee wei ling is an awesome writer.
reading the newspaper is tiring. but quite interesting after a while. i used to think life and the comics were the only interesting sections.
and i got five more books! amazing ones! cant wait to get down to reading again.
i need a catholic bible. the one on my ipod doesnt count. sigh. i dont want to think abt why we only have christian bibles at home.
and i need to clear up the mess i make everytime. reminder to self.
and another reminder i need to make that post on emmanus website. oh dear
i havent posted since jun11 oh dear
and posted photos too.
and why do i sound so insubstantial?

hm
interesting. my dad told to sit down, clear my thoughts, and then pour out every single random thought that comes into my head. very interesting. like an insight into someone's psyche.
oh well.

2009-06-26T10:19:00.003+08:00

hm. jason mraz's blog ><
feel like my life's so boring. and selfish

great feelings. just wish they'd last longer

2009-06-21T09:17:00.002+08:00

how does it feel to end a chapter in your life? like after you've reached the climax and resolution all too soon, how can you put the book down and get on with your daily life? oh dear.

it was a great experience, definitely. and nostalgic. i remembered where i hyperventilated during cadenza, i remembered where we warmed up as a section, i remember the frustration, the irritation, the delight, the worry. and then as i stood there yesterday. idk. for a moment i wished the concert could end. but by the time the concert started, i was enjoying myself. tralala. never felt that before. even cadenza was just numb to me. just very numb. just playing as i should play. but this time, it felt different. the band was different, i didnt even know all of their names. the band was PRO beyond words. (hey and that doesnt meant that i skived.)

and every member had lots of talent, potential and played great. every practice i would feel so zibei, and then i would go home and practice. but sometimes that wasnt enough. i remember one time that the tubas tuned. and i couldnt tell when one tuba came in cuz it was really UNISON. i'll never look at band practices the same way again. maybe what we are missing in rgssb is the drive to perfect ourselves and our skills. or maybe we dont know how to, and at sec 4 we've hit the wall. the cutoff point. maybe.

and the conductor was funny. he's conducted so many illustrous bands, and here he is conducting us. on the workshop thing, idk, i was half very bothered that our practice time was being taken up, and half so amazed that even though the turnup wasnt that good, he still took the time (and was veyr sincere about it) to explain the pieces and everything. yeah it was to our benefit too. so famous, and yet so down to earth, full of life, sincere. =)

is this a full recapitulation of my nyw experiences. nope. i'll keep some closest to my heart. =)

life

2009-06-18T11:23:00.002+08:00

i just want to be wanted. is that too much to ask?
i just want my life to be good. and im not even asking for much.
i just want to be noticed. by the people i see around me. somehow, rejection hurts so much, even more than other people would feel.

im not asking to be first. or second or even third. im just asking to be seen, to be wanted, to be welcomed. to have a good time.

i wont ask a lot of the people around. would including me be so painful.

but i will ask a lot of myself. i will live up to my own expectations.

2009-06-16T17:07:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rCYlOHSSIE

the conductor is O.o

2009-06-16T16:46:00.006+08:00

watching Shining Inheritance now. =)

somehow korean dramas are to me what vodka and liquor are to others. balm. and a sense of escape. until of course the clock on my com tells me to stop. but then again, its an art form. a healthy sort of art form when you actually think deeply about it, instead of watching just for the emotions, to be caught up in a whirlwind of girlish crushes or humour or whatnot. which is why i like dramabeans so much. other than her wonderful screen caps and episode summaries. there's real thought going into reviewing each episode. every nugget unearthed makes people look at the drama in a different way.

and of course, other people are more pro-er in other art forms heh. like art, music, writing. while im so narrow-minded its just korean dramas. plus point for julia, nyw's really lifting her up. but other than that, she's been skimming through her life without much thought eh?

from shining inheritance. rather funny. and amusing. =)

but for all you know, that stepmother is really getting on my nerves. too selfish. but yeah, stock character. i hope she gets more interesting and idk, maybe more depth would serve to flesh her character out. otherwise it wouldn't be much fun seeing all the other characters find out about the truth, where she's been so blatantly lying to them all along, and then give her her due. cuz its not much fun when you think the villian actl deserves all the punishment right?

and eun sung is so great.

AND AND AND... the (gay) guy from jumong. he and (the other guy he likes) were such a cute couple!! and such a cute addition to JUMONG which was a historical drama. i've been trying to look out for his dramas, and then suddenly bam i hit on to this one without knowing. but ah, not too impressed. discounting the eye candy of course. but most of the time its this eyebrow-furrowed-im-trying-to-look-intense look.

hehe. now look at the mess. which somehow resembles my study table. and i sure hope im not as lazy. sigh.

2009-06-15T17:13:00.001+08:00

jiaxuan seriously has a multitude of blogs, posts, and a diverse array of interest. ONLINE. mannnn its like i never knew a world existed.

and its 5.13, i was supposed to be with my uncle eating durians 13 minutes ago, but my mum's still sleeping. growl.

2009-06-15T17:01:00.000+08:00

beautiful.
sometimes the sky is an art in itself.

2009-06-15T16:34:00.000+08:00

more thoughts on the now. instead of tomorrow or later or whatever not.

for one thing. my blog lacks pictures. except maybe the one on top. pics or videos, whichever.
and speaking of videos. im heartily tired of making that cadenza dvd. the freakin mac takes ten minutes just to process a request, much less burn it. yeah i know i've been such a relentless hogger, where i have the whole cadenza soundtrack but people dont. but seriously, try sifting through every song in the catalogue. where the pure video of just centurion is 20 plus gb in itself. and see whetehr your comp can take the overload. wonder how those movie makers do it, where the movies are so overloaded with special effects and CG. and poeple just pay 9 bucks to see a project that was worth a couple of years of a person's life. and movie stars who work so little, are paid so much, and take everything for granted.

so. shall change my blog face for a while. remake it. the image.

and its so hard. i dunno why my tongue just ties up whenever i see people in pain, confusion, crying over something they feel deeply inside. whenever i want to comfort them, to let them know im there for them and i'll take your crap and ranting if that makes it feel better. everytime the words are on my mouth, i think over them, hesitate, wonder if it will com out all wrong. so i either wont say it and let others do the job of comforting or say it and it does come out all wrong. maybe its why no one will really lean on me. except my family. cuz they know how weird i am. weirdly though, even my sister can take my craps. cuz i take hers as well. funny how we all keep silent.

off to durian now. cant express how worried i am for all of them. but i wont show. not yet at least. cuz my second aunt is lying on a hospital bed in her home. and i havent done anything. why does regret come often too late. why didnt the regret during the last holidays push me to do something more. so here's a less superficial resolution. i wanna take control of my life and stop taking the people in my life for granted. family are family. there's no way you can escape or push them away. so lean on them, cry and laugh with them, cuz they ain't going away.

new book of the day!! Faces.
and the sins of the fathers shall reverberate though the generations.

one thing i dont like about it. every sentence every character speaks is rude or has the f word in it. but its a literary device, so i shall let that pass eh?
lost in the forest was better than virgin on the small plains. =)
and im currently hooked on to the isavalta trilogy. although i have no idea why the chronologically speaking, the second book is first, the first book is second, and the third book is where its supposed to be.

CLASH

2009-06-15T12:53:00.001+08:00

OH NO CRAP

band birthday and bio clashing on the 19th!

holiday blues

2009-06-15T12:36:00.000+08:00

trying to stick to a new resolution to pen down my thoughts before everything slips away again into oblivion.

hm paparazzi really dont give their victims a break. reporting when a certain person slips out to get a starbucks, or goes shopping where and with whom, or goes to have lunch, or goes to the bookstore to buy what book. tsk. its like documenting every single moment of that person's life. dont they have a life themselves?!

so ah well. i had better do myself justice. instead of living every day waiting for the next, why not remember every day for what it was worth? so that lessons learnt are truly learnt, and memories are remembered.

so philosophical.

i SHOULD find the time to organise all my photos. and post them. i SHOULD be getting down to serious work. i SHOULD be doing all that i said i would be doing this holiday. but all i can think about is clarinet. more clarinet. and then songs. more songs. and then unpack. oh dear. and go to the gym. andandand do math. and read the new book im falling in love with. and eating lunch. right now. and charging my iPod. and waiting for band birthday.

i need a balance between homework and life and enjoying myself.

ok. i SHALL post about the past two weeks. eh.

rushing

2009-05-18T22:23:00.001+08:00

yeah. supposed to do physics now

but i was just thinking in the car, on the way home, so just jotting down a few things here before i forget them.

alternate world. mannn social studies. hugh jackman/ gossip girl-- aka movies and movie starrrrs and the supposed yeah-lets-go-on-fruday-to-watch-a-movie-but-lets-go-on-wed-instead. then my sudden book craze. life as we knew it and the truth about forever. and korean dramas and what not. mama and her going back to her protestant church. apologetics. i really hope this irons itself out soon with God's grace. if not, its gonna end up like a f2 generation of mendel's pea plants. ratio of 3 versus 1. not very balanced. in fact, taht's a very skewed ratio.

it may not sound coherent, but im just gonna keep it there.
and if i have time 2moro i might come back and really elaborate. hah. this sounds like some lecture notes thing. take down all the important points and go home to lengthen/research.
which is practically what we are doing in bio.

and charmaine keeps pulling out my hair. i still like the sensation of people tying my hair. but oh, not that rough. i swear i lost like 500 strands of hair today.

the thing is, i've got church 2moro again. so blog after church? hopefully =)
somehow i almost always just feel motivated on tuesday. then the rest of the week lapses into a state of ignorance or laziness. oh dear. better kick up the engines. on the brighter side, i still love last week's session. APOLOGETICS! love love love love.

be happy

2009-05-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

so much for it lah.
if it rankles to be a disappointment, then buck up! then that makes the most sense.

and yeah it applies to me too. where has all that positive feeling gone julia g andres? i keep fluctuating like a nice trigo sine graph between the positive and the negative regions of the x axis. yeah, like what someone said, going home and facing the silent unjudgemental four walls of your study room, your thoughts just keep running running running away. and they sometimes dont turn out very nice.
i keep finding small but nevertheless new motivation for band. yeah it looks rather dismal, but hey we've all got each other. and despite the exams and stuff, and the tensions that've been running high, there's a new plateau coming up. no more exams, so away with the stress and more enthusiasm eh? i really hope that comes to pass. band is about the people. and what they do with their time with each other. not just alone, but with each other.

which reminds me. note to self: the section needs more tuning, more tuning, more tuning. and more togetherness. which almost encompasses everything but i shall not try to think about that.

and for 2moro. our class has a nice tendency of always being one person short><
thanks jiaxuan for organising!!!

and haha. i've got lots of photos of us at mos burger. blame shan jee for making us go to mos burger all the time!! and all she does is eat those nuggets! not that i've got a vendetta against mos burger, but going there so many times makes me kinda sick. and i've got a tight budget. 100 dollars more to pay, and i kinda want to get it off my shoulders by this june holidays. its a bit of a stretch, but so long as i dont overspend... well. possible to say the least.

so. lots of mos burger photos. and people keep saying i post unglam pictures so what am i going to do with them? they arent of me anyway. and im a bit too lazy to email it to them. hm. delete?

jia xuan and her arsenal, shan jee and her man u.
i dont get soccer teams and soccer clubs. (they are just men running after a ball!!!) which is admittedly what we do during pe. ><

2009-05-05T19:51:00.001+08:00

my dad recently blocked a couple of stuff on my computer. apparently i dont spend enough time studying. yeah right.

and im irritated. i cant see my blog now. but i can still log on to the blogger dashboard. i guess the parental control thing isnt so comprehensive after all.

and i dunno. i guess im like jealous of those ppl who have real friends beside them trying to bear the load for them as well. i just try to keep things inside till they really explode. and when it does, im all alone. trying to hide. i guess raw emotions arent very pleasant. and yes, not mature and not considerate at all. even maybe my parents wouldnt understand. i think too much and twist things all up and upside down and inside out and then bottle it up. and smile and look happy at outside things.

but somehow ppl being sad rubs off too. i dunno. i feel so useless. much as i would like to try to be such a stable person, i cant. grah. am i even making sense? i know what i have to do, yet its such a long reach to the top, even if you have role models along the way to help you.

and i wish my parents would just stop fighting. this has been the longest cold war ever. and i keep finding wine glasses in the morning. if my dad's drinking wineeeee. he could just whine abt it to me. im up all night. why does he have to drink. and eat chips. man. i think the depressed members of the family do binge a lot.

and the swine flu. yeah. i know a lot about disappointment. but i dont show my feelings.

actl correction. i dont hide my negative emotions all the time. i have been totally disappointed in myself before when i let my bad temper show in band.am i just asking too much? so setting too high standards?or just i've been too easy on myself and on those people? or i let ppl lead me? funny, how my last year in band is turning so awry. and how i get wrought up in so many emotions all the time. how it isnt the best year of my life where i cant let everything go. when you've got the gold pot, it doesnt look so enticing anymore. sometimes the trip up the rainbow with your friends was so much better.

so well. bottle it up again. laughter's the best medicine.
so come 2moro, if you even read this. you've got friends beside you, ready at your call. at least you've got friends.. and they do care about you. i see so many willing to stay there for you. dont go thru it by yourself.

and we can all be strong together. and things will get better i hope.
and if they dont then well, just rmb the good times. the life as we knew it.

cheer up.

stories i tell myself

2009-04-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

jodi picoult is good. jodi picoult writes good stories. jodi picoult is a master with themes, she knows what she wants, and her metaphors are intriguing. and the best of all, she is really so insightful.

julia's lit pt is in shambles. julia cant write a story for nuts. julia is depressed with her own writing and thats kind of sad. julia has missed her deadline that she put down for herself to finish writing THRICE. julia is disillusioned with her writing. especially when she compares it with jodi picoult's

juxtaposition hm

at least jodi picoult take nine months to write one novel. im taking 2 days and 5 hours to write 2000 plus words.

oh joy. i need to surpass the writers' block. AND get some insight. man. i hate superficiality and thats what my writing is.

keeping faith

2009-04-03T19:51:00.000+08:00

finally having the courage and the ability to smile. and laugh. while really feeling happy =)

and by the way. i love rgssb to bits. the band room's my home, my batchmates and juniors form a major part of my life, and though the silver bites, there is a silver lining (quote talia XD) to this whole experience.

i know those people mean well, but it kind of gets on my nerves (im sorry, really) when they look at me with that pitying look. i have to keep reminding myself that i have got over it and i will not think about it anymore. i have to keep my faith strong in band and the people that make up the band.

i love rgssb. and thats it. thats final. and nothing can replace it.

and for other stuff now.

where is charmaine????? she pulled a mia on us. and im quite worried now. hasnt replied mine or jx's smses. wont answer the phone. didnt tell us where she went. where where where??

homework. my father and i made a deal. and well one of the conditions is that i have to sleep early. oh well. now that there's band break i think i can fill the end of my bargain.

lit pt. lets hope i can finish 1500 plus words. and i need to post photos. i have this general i-dont-want-to-socialise now lethargy. havent touched fb, bandfusion,photos, camera, phone and blah for these few days. >< and now my sister's irritating me with jason mraz

SYF 09

2009-04-02T21:10:00.000+08:00

well i hope im sane enough to really put up with whats in my mind. typing.writing it out may very well stop my thoughts from running around in circles like what they have been doing for the past few hours.

was really depressed today during class. oh well. thanks to the orange testicle (the flat little thingy now) and my very interesting seatmate who kept me alive and vibrant even though i wasnt really feeling like that inside. thanks charmaine for all your midnight counselling. and THANKS JIAXUAN!! for the little gift. it really really touched me, and encouraged me to pull up my socks!!!
not lost... undiscovered.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for understanding what im going through and comforting me and listening through my whining, the both of you. its really how ironic that my greatest comforters come from people who arent in band.

well then during rs i moped around a bit more. submerged myself in math to keep my head busy with something else. and then mo's talk.

i dunno, perhaps i wasnt really thinking very postively, but i kept hearing 'bounce back' and not results but everything else. if you read it from the 'cup is half empty' side, we have deproved, or maybe moved less together as a band. the recordings. and bounce back kind of indicates we have touched the ground, reached the lowest of the low. if you read it that way.. that is. well. what mo said was really true. our impression of the music we were playing might not be how the audience is receiving it. i thought was really awesome. the best that i could ask for seeing how we have a history of freezing on stage and screwing up because of fright. i felt really so emotional during X, and as the band really really crescendo-ed to the peak. would have cried if i wasnt already running out of air. i felt we were good, impressive, and conveyed our music to the audience out there (and yes the applause was sweet. but the echoes even more so). but apparently it wasnt as great and together as we thought it was. as a whole we might not have sounded that well. maybe the audience and judges should have stood in our midst, heard our collective breaths and seen us move together as a band.

thanks mrs koh for the chocolates, ms lim for coming down, mr mizar for that amusing little speech. and most of all to mo who made it a point to come down and encourage us.

well then after that i just kept replaying all the confusion in my mind. again and again. cyclic reasoning huh.

i dunno. i dont really understand even know. are we just delusional little idiots who run around playing music? for one thing, many people have come to me and comforted me (thanks to shan jee and zong min. yall came to me when the wound was raw and heard me talk it out and yeah convince myself for that little while thank you!). and the thing is that they too felt that our playing was splendid and impressive. most got shocked out of their seats by the starting of turandot, and loved the ending, and i to j as well. and amusingly, asked us to contest the results. most just felt that we should have deserved something more, judging from what they've heard us play at the koi pond, and outside in the foyer when we were playing in ks chee. which was what i felt too, all the way from yesterday to today. but really, our band has placed emphasis on making our music reach out to others, made our music turn them from happy to sad, tense to bliss, scared to excited. we're the little magicians of rgssb.
we make the music. but unfortunately we dont have the technicalities that the judges are looking out for. togetherness. tuning. we didnt have enough of these things i guess. tightness.

which really made me wanna cry, and think why didnt we do these things on top of everything else? I i keep thinking if i didnt push enough, insist enough, didnt do everything possible. i listen i critique but i cant make the section improve. some section leader i am. i keep wondering where we have gone wrong, or where we could have improved. because since we have our strengths, we have to find where the loopholes are and fix them. now. and why didnt i fix them earlier.

this is like some mid life crisis. its only after spending like 40 plus years of your life that you look ahead and see that there isnt much left for you.. look back and ask what you did that made a difference. and then ask what has the whole point of your life has been. is this how farewell and graduation from rgs will feel like? that emptiness cuz you know this particular stage of your life is over, and despite the many opportunities you had to make it right, you still didnt do as well as you could or should have done? its only when its nearing the end when we start to treasure everything we have left.

was looking at the band schedule that ive always kept in my file. only a few months to our farewell. this particular journey is as good as over for us already. and what have we left behind? felt so grahh empty. sorry... i couldnt trust myself to speak then. i know you were trying to help. really appreciate that! really. hm but i guess i wasnt in much control of myself. and started bawling after you left. like some little crybaby. grrr cuz i heard our sec threes indiving in the corridor. and they have one more year left. one more year to do that. to enjoy. nessun dorma. and we just have that much left and btw, i was just walking through the other corr, because for almost one whole year of my band life that staircase and that corridor has been my home, and out of both i would prefer our sec three one. its so homely, it gives that atmosphere of being at peace. of times when we laughed so much together, whereas now in the mornings its pretty much everyone sleeping on the floor. times when we indived together. laughed at each other. tried to crack our brains over presents. discussed direct plans in dec of sec two. times when i went there depressed cuz of eya marks but brightened up because of batchmates. and then went lalala to far east for bubble tea.those were the times of my life when band was more than 50 per cent of my life. when band filled up the empty spaces and left warmth and laughter behind. sec three was the best year of my life i think.

and well now. sec four. our band life's over. or just relatively over.

i must say im proud of my section overall lah. in spite of this low and depressing post, for the most part. it has been an enjoyable year, though not the most since i think sec three was the best out of the four?? but certainly with all the responsibilities and everything came stress. jess was really right, come to think of it (and yeah i was LEFT behind haha. and only thought about that now). with all those responsibilites comes the bigger chance or risk of screwing everything up. although of course you can take it that you can improve so much more. you have the power and responsibility to do both. i tried my best, not all the time, but most. and maybe the best wasnt enough? thinking back, there are times when i just took the easy way out, i was too soft, followed too much. i know for one i didnt emphasize tuning. big mistake. mann even the fluboes tuning was better than us sometimes.. well at least for the few i heard. good job mary!!! i came off as evil and dao and that had a negative effect on the juniors. thats the biggest regret, i think of this tenure as section leader. i dunno how, but it really saddens me. it doesnt piss me off but it really is painful when i and my sb for that matter really cared about how the section was playing. but yeah. came off as dao and evil. sigh. =( but i think we all just came out all the better for it. i enjoyed playing with the batch together. all the ra ra and the talking and the band practices. oh my gosh the band practices. in all these four years, i havent felt that much of uplifting, laughed so much, heard so many of mr oura's stories. this year, it really felt like he was inspiring us to do so much more, play out with our hearts so much more. reach the audience, play with emotion, get down to the music and enjoy our playing so much more. he let us listen to the japanese bands, told us motivational stories. the atmosphere was just so much better. and i think this is really the most heartfelt and the most important thing that characterises this year. (last year it was all the batch experiences. well this year, we're busier???) it was the band practices. so fulfilling. tiring at times. but worth it. we were all in it and for the music. i loved it.

hm we werent together in playing. but in the highest level of togetherness in spirit.

and in the batch corr. well. i heard the clar, and the oboe. playing. and i dunno. its just well.. unfair that our juniors have to take the load? i hope that they wont be pressured and feel that the band must improve because of what we have done. no sorry, because of this year. no it really isnt that way. this silver is not a burden. it shouldnt be and i hope it will not be. well, neither is it inconsequential too. i hope they wont take it the wrong way. its alright to cry now and think now. but this experience was worth it. it was worth the tears, the laughter, the heartache, the united spirit we showed. dont feel additional pressure ok. this just shows that we have areas to improve on, and that we are on a different wavelength from others.

everything i think about, that we have to improve our tone, tuning, tonguing, emotion, everything. its not for us to do anymore. our life is done for. (haha sounds so fatalistic) all these areas of improvement are in their hands now. we now just have to stand back and enjoy the rest of our band life as much as we can. just like what we've always been doing.

i really hope that i stop feeling like as if we are breaking apart. i really hope that we can use this band break to come together more. and treasure our last days. band camp, and inunion, and then farewell. we've been so bonded so far, and we should all just come together for the last lap. together.

ah well. then after batch lunch (which i arrived late for ><) i just went back. and the people in school are just mostly prepping up for their own syf. it was kind of painful too, seeing them all. but it was... i dunno. fun in a way too. encouraging others to do their best so they wont.. anklung was funny =) and cute. bong even had the time to wave to me several times. they sound quite good =) and malay dance was cool. shall find the time to send mandy the video of their whole routine. taped it down for them so that they could see what they're dancing, but halfway through the cam ran out of battery. irritating. its almost full to the brim of camwhoring photos in the classroom. of us having fun. wish yall the best on tuesday!!! and on a sidenote i didnt realise that their swords were so heavy. well relatively heavy. and they swing them around effortlessly. cool. =) and now reading the post-syf posts. quite disappointed in myself for having been so un-musicianship-like if there is even such a word. i wish i could reconcile myself to all these warring factors. but i guess its just a matter of time. i guess jiaxuan summarized it more neatly than i could ever have, even before i have, and even before anyone in band could have told me so. maybe they were looking out for come things and we were looking out for some other things. (yes yes yes!!) and we really shouldnt let this stop us-- well the future rgssb, and we should get up and just strive on. it hurts.. but it shouldnt stop us. really!!! we are good, and most importantly, we really did enjoy ourselves. and yes. this performance... not competition.. was the most nerve-racking one of my life. the most stressful, but after the the opening bars, it was the most blissful and lovely one of my life. syf 07 for me was more like notes. concentrate on the fingers and air. although mo's smile after that was heavenly. this time too, i felt so warm inside as we finished. hearing the echoes fade off beautifully. i got carried away by nessun dorma, by D and E and F and J and L and M and everything else. even typing the letters now gives me that warm fuzzy feeling. and haha as weird as this may sound i get the general mood of each part of that melody as i think about them. D was fast and quickk and satisfying when the brass and wwds play bar 40 and 41 nicely and e and f are really just emotional especially for the last phrase of the melody. and mo's expression every single time during the last few band pracs. (and yes. i dunno whether its because this is the first time i've really watched mo this closely, but this has been the first time i've seen mo conduct with such raw and touching emotion. his conducting is really superb. you can really feel what he is mentally playing in his head, his impression of the music, and how he wants us to convey it. all in his conducting. watching him for nessun dorma and X again and again. i never get tired and i never ever NOT feel his emotion and his feelings. and i hope i played it through my music too. thank you mo for your vision and your strength and for inspiring us so much. that day in the classroom listening to saitama sakae high school. and then to him really expressing his vision. and inciting in us the passion to really want to do well and tell the audience our story. )

so. well. this almost sounds like a farewell. but still.

although i am disappointed in some aspects, and i regret the times i could have done better, strived harder, i still am proud of syf 09, of our experience and journey as band, though rocky at times, but hopeful. and most of all.. musical. i've never before felt so much emotion, loved the piece we were playing so much, and felt so happy after finishing our grandest performance on stage. well done to all of us, but remember to stive on!

well done sbms. you've been there for the past few years, and i hope we can really come together for our last hundred plus days! section... its your turn now, thats all i can say. i've seen yall try to improve and its been encouraging at times =) smile and move on!!! (though i may not seem like it at times) but i really love our section to bits. for the people who have been in it and who have tried. the band. although i may not have spoken to each and everyone.. but we've all united in one performance and have really done ourselves proud. well done! lastly, to all my friends who have been there one way or another, when i've tried to conceal my tears, but you've made it all the more easier to bear. thanks for all the smses that i read after syf, even from people that i didnt expect. thanks for comforting me afterwards, and thanks for the encouragement! jx the socks and the note was really worth it! it really means a lot to me. thanks wiggle two!! and may we wiggle all the way to the end of our school year. wiggleeee!! =)

holding on

2009-03-25T00:30:00.000+08:00

holding on holding on to my sanity.
and trying my best to do everything right.
i cant juggle a thousand and one balls seriously.

but i feel quite accomplished today. thanks to all of you who gave me a chance to facilitate. =)

i really need to constantly remind myself to be cheerful, happy, and do everything as fast and as efficient as possible. and be a little responsible girl even though this puny girl doesnt feel like getting up from the ground, and striving on.

and on a little sidenote. those people who have a friend or two to confide in, like really truly confide in are the luckiest people on earth. at least you can get through life knowing that there's someone who understands what you are going through. and well, being just peripheral, looking in from the outside, knowing that you cant get on that level, but everything's bursting within you, that feeling just breaks everything. there are just some things you cant tell your mum or your dad, even though you can just try. im really sorry. i cant just put those feelings into words. thanks dad, though, for trying. it was touching, and a little funny XD

weird thing i've noticed: whenever my dad trys to cheer me up or encourage me or something, its always food-related. like ice cream or apples or grapes at 1 am in the morning. am i really such a little pig? oh dear.

2009-03-20T01:28:00.000+08:00

im tired. everyone's asleep. garh
i still have osl video to upload, tumor suppressor gene to research and chinese tuition to finish. and lit pt to do.
im tired. its 130 in the morning. im going to fall asleep.

zi bei

2009-03-16T22:56:00.000+08:00

waitinggg for dot's email to come thru. auds on wednesday. xiannnn
sth happened today that i am quite guilty about grahhh
im supposed to be doing philo fa but obviously im not
and i ve got a thousand and one other things to do that im not doing
or am too lazy to do

confi camp was a blast.
and well... not such a blast at some other times.
i ll get down to posting all my band camp, confi camp, ssef camwhoring, gummy and goddaugthers photo, korea photos on fb soon. sigh hopefully very soon. im super tired of waiting for the page to load finish. surprisingly it was quite fast in science center during ssef. surprisingly

lse has come back already! i shall remind myself to call thanh or tian yuan SOON. >< and not at an unearthly hour like this.

i don't know why I'm so laid back and tired. Lord, give me strength to continue on the day as normally as possible. Show me the light. And help me to stop wallowing in such a pessimistic mood. It's not healthy i know. and speaking about healthy, let mum get well soon. its been dragging on for so long. if possible let us be pillars of support for her, like she has always been in our lives.amen. let your will be done.

strange how you appreciate ppl in funny ways and in situations you would never expect.

band exchange today. was grah
i cant believe how stupid i was to forget to bring the conductor scores. big thanks to mrs koh for going down with me and paying the taxi fare as well. grahh. i feel like as if I'm doing such a bad job out of being Section Leader and Librarian. i keep staring at those humongous piles of files and scores but i cant just seem to magick them away. i really must find the strength to clear all those. note to self: DEADLINE is end of march hols you lazy pok. -sigh-

holiday

2009-03-13T12:11:00.001+08:00

another hectic holiday
and confirmation camp =)

SSEF

2009-03-11T16:03:00.000+08:00

haha very funny
this is only my 25th post.

SSEF poster presentation lahhhh. very xiann already. have to wait for three judges to come before we are let off. and yess i lost my retainers, im going have to pay 400 dollars out of my own pocket, and i think im very stupid... incredibly dumb in fact to have left it at subway. so ah well. my dental's at 545.

okkkkk we've finished
PHEW

going for appointment now
AHHH

parents' meet

2009-02-27T21:41:00.000+08:00

as per my new resolution to keep myself updated about what has happened in my life, and record everything before it slips away.. here goes nothing.

sli heh.
its our last one
quite a scary one
since i havent been noticing sli very much. i remember i was reading a book/ totally ignoring sli in sec one. and then sec two and sec three well.. maybe it was just the number of people i knew that were up there smiling, looking nervous, bobbing up and down on the stilettos, and wondering what have i could have done during my four years of rgs to make a difference or leave a legacy behind. strange how im so fortunate to be in a school rife and full to the brim of opportunities and yet... and yet... i feel as if i have not done enough, i have not reacherd my full potential or what i can really be. really strange thought. and really disconcerting im having them now, and not two years earlier or something.

oh well. rjc next year. its becoming more of a reality. travelling there by public transport, a new fresh reality, but will nevertheless become a chore after a few months. grah. and the bright green skirt. and i hope.. more camaderie, and chances to hold on to my friends in rgs. dont slip away through my fingers. we have to stay together, keep together. otherwise the memories would just fade away too.

lse today. again. its dominating my life.
printing the handbook. which wasnt supposed to be my job.
team dynamics are just really nonexistent. (note to self: be MORE OPTIMISTIC) sometimes, i just keep criticising, i lose control and lose track of myself, and that isnt supposed to happen. need to step back and take a breath. breatheeeee

oh yes... and the mentors' workshop. really fulfilling. what with COMPASS and DIE and whatnot. which are really helpful, but then again applying it to real life is a whole new different thing. theory and practical are two things so alike and yet diametrically different its hard to squash the two ideals together. like trying to squash the mentors' ideal team with what we have now, and to continually stay upbeat and encourage the team and myself to keep pushing forward. i really don't want to think about the trip. they are leaving next week friday. WITHOUT me and brenda. WITHOUT. i guess the reality hasnt hit yet. that i wont be able to see NTP. not again. or our hostel. or the ngu binh kids. or thuy bang. or facilitate my juniors. or see them grow, get frustrated, break through, solve their problems and come back with a smile on their faces and a whole lot more bonded then before. i ll be missing so much its hard to bear.

but i still hope i can be there for them when they need me. (i still cant believe ahhh). heart ache.

2moro really must go well. the team is cracking up like ground that is parched by the sun. so many loopholes, problems that arise when we are not in control of ourselves. instead the situation is in control of us. oh please. let them realise whatever we have been worrying about these past few weeks. we are not trying to bring you down with all these. we arent seriously. this is just for everyone to y'know trash things out. make things clear before we go on the trip. no.. the 14 of you go on the trip. by then you would have to live 24/7 with each other. and there will be so many things you will feel dissatisfied with. i wish them all the best.

and thanh.. dont stress too much. i see the lines on your face everytime i come. i know what you are worrying about. and im really really sorry i cant come and share your burden on the trip. thats the heaviest burden.

grahhhh

and chem and english and bio and physics. what am i doing online.
and my sis saw erh my diagram of the make reproductive system. in detail. hehh wonder what she was thinking

complaining

2009-02-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

ok i shall promise myself this is the last time in the whole month i shall complain.

SLI until 10am
from 10 to like 8 something LSE all the way. mrs ang get well soon!! its barely a week left and you can't fall sick! please dont fall sick!! ahhhh. i really hope that next year's team will be so much more productive. and maybe on a more selfish note, that brenda and i can go for the LSE cambodia if it is confirmed. i've been feeling so left out of the team's activities, and let still have to worry day and night whether cxc has been doing stuff or not.
sometimes i feel so helpless when i see them scurry around disorganized, failing to give a good impression to others, snapping at each other, arguing and all that. i wonder what i can really do to help them. note to self: be a better mentor. and be a better person.

then saturday about the same thing. lse till 530 then brenda comes to my house for SMP. script powerpoint and abstract printing. -sobs- so my whole saturday is effectually burned up. gone in ashes. hopefuly time will arise like a phoenix.

sunday! church! and tuition and more tuition.

ok wow.
after running through my schedule i see i have a grand total of one sunday evening to work on bio, physics, and english. not that english has much to work on for, but there's physics data analysis and a whole lot of memory work for bio!

AHHHHH
panic attack.

Lord, help me find a way through this mess. There is nothing in the world that You and I can't do and fulfill together. Let me find Your will in my life, and follow that lifeline back home.

PLEASE.

2009-02-22T13:29:00.001+08:00

VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM

LSE

2009-02-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO GO FOR LSE!!

my heart's breaking inside. the team just needs all the help they can get. and all this seems just another replay of emotions and the same roller coaster ride as last year, except that now we are the ones desperately trying to stem the tide of time and help heal the wounds that were spread gaping open today.

is this some curse of the vietnam twinning trip or whattt. what is the winning solution of other teams?? and why cant we make this work, despite all the good intentions we have?? what must we do???

and i really want to do well for SSEF too. not because its a prestigious competition or anything, but because itll be somehting to show that i wasnt being useless here in singapore while the rest are in vietnam changing lives. well hopefully they will be, or at least find something useful in their lives and really realise what person they can be.

and honestly speaking, we are not very well off from last year. maybe we have even deproved. well it looks like it.

ironic (not that it was ever copper)

2009-02-20T00:22:00.000+08:00

was just talking with pearlyn today.. about well whether we would ever marry someone outside our own race (aka not chinese)

and its strange how i've been so assimilated into this Singaporean community that i never realize how different my heritage is from other people. (kudos to all that multicultural singaporean concepts). although the difference is staring at me right in the face. like every single time i write my name.. english or chinese. its so sad, and so wasted, that i hardly know anything about my parents, where they came from, their history, background. im only ever concerned in the now, the future, what homework is due tomorrow. and then our parents become more like vehicles to carry us into the next tomorrow.

and im quite ashamed. i dont even know how to speak tagalog, and know even less about phillippines than vietnam.

how ironic i wrote that darn and out of point chinese compo about how singaporean youths are losing their cultural heritage when there's one good example right here.

oh dear, here goes the new year resolution to learn tagalog before the end of the year when we go back to phillippines. and we havent gone to see my grandparents in 4 years. really scary. and i just get the feeling that im unfilial. (since when have i even thought about them.. or even remembered their birthdays? and phone conversations are always awkward and embarassing. SIGH) how to break out of this apathy?

and there i go thinking too much again. GROWL.

present and past tense

2009-02-19T22:26:00.000+08:00

ok i am officially royally pissed

LSE team meeting 3.30 onwards
Bio CES (doing the cool plasmid DNA experiment thingy)
SSEF Briefing at Dalton
Lunch date with my mummy (owe her from dunno how many ages ago)

AND THEY ARE ALL AT THE SAME TIME TOMORROW!!
why in the world is my life full of pyainful coincidences?!?!?! grawl

and oh haha one more thing. rebecca looks darn funny while attempting to play the flute. got the picture but wont post it =)
and another random fact: Survivor's Law II, Boys over Flowers, Word Twisters' Adventures and lastly the Return of Iljimae
dramas that im watching right now! or rather attempting to watch sigh. with the kind of work right now.. its more like 15 minutes every week. ><

and SIGHHH i typed a whole lot of stuff just now.. and then my comp died and i dont feel like retyping anymore. there goes all the angsty stuff about band and life and my confusion and my irritation and my family and my homework and my school life and all that griping. maybe that's good....

Someone's telling me to let go.

SMILE =D

life is good

catching up

2009-01-11T17:17:00.000+08:00

back to school. although its just the second week of school tomorrow it feels like im in the middle of term2. with all the review tests and everything. wish time would go just a little bit slower than right now. sigh

ponyo ponyo sakananoko! (i think thats how its spelt) everybody's irritating me that song! XD

and now lessons are loads more interesting behind at our row. and all of a sudden jia xuan and charmaine are all out to camwhore so we take turns trying to bring cameras to school!! (haha if i actually have patience to wait for this comp to load the pics i shall try loading all the funny ones)
hehe the three people at the back who keep making noise during class and camwhoring!! =)

oh yes... i forgot about ccao and inunion =) super funny pics haha
yay sb picture =)

unglam photo of our dear band major! yeah doesnt she look so cute XD

and here a slightly more palatable picture

hehe unglam one of the both of us. couldn't resist

and this was simply a ripper =) what in world are you trying to look like jessica!

haha siti and a nice trombone =)

becky and the trombone too!! notice the difference?? XD

and two other stuff im very happy about.. first off, my new com!! its super nice and big and FAST. its evern faster than my dad's macbook. and thats saying a lot. =) man it feels good to have a laptop that doesnt lag, super fast at loading pages, and best of all, can work without having to connect to the stupid power supply. my old one couldnt work without hooking it up first. haha

secondly... we are going korea during the cny hols! waited super long to go korea. for some reason during the last three years we've only either been to the states, or to phillipines (and the one exception was the cruise). the tokyo and japan one not counted. they werent for personal reasons. wheee. i want to get a hanbok there if possible XD

courtesy post

2008-12-28T18:39:00.000+08:00

wow i havent been here for so long already. and i cant really be bothered to post

and the only reason im posting now is cuz becky is bored and she wants me to update my blog (link?!)

[and if you are so bored go watch step up 2 and try copying the dance steps... or watch some movie... or go irritate someone else... or can just msn me!] garhhh. i can see chinese is driving me up the wall and making me incoherent. saddd.

funny photos

2008-08-26T22:14:00.001+08:00

found this funny thing that mr ng showed us today (he showed us lots more funny jokes XD)

and i swear this one's hilarious.
just keep reading
and look at the ingenuity of all the road signs XP

in case you cant see that last one properly here's the link
http://www.stevenwillingale.com/fun/sign.jpg

2008-08-26T20:31:00.000+08:00

Lord, just give me the light. help me out of this... THING ive created for myself, or have helped create. im destroying my life right in front of my eyes. the seams are gonna break very soon. you suffered so much for us on the cross. help me to bear the suffering for others too. help me to bear with the pain. teach me, Lord, please. please.

angry infuriated.. just blasting pissed

2008-08-26T20:25:00.000+08:00

you dont have to read this if you dont want to.. in fact you wouldnt want to read this

i dont see how this is any of your freaking problem. and i dont see how you should be so INVOLVED in my life seeing you know NOTHING about it. you are just so ****** insensitive and incoherent. and it just doesnt help that im so dissatisfied for my life. you think i wanted to do this right?? you think its very fun suffering my butt off in band, going through inferno while having to put up a stupid pretty face. and you just have to put your Nosy Parker big flat nose right in the bleeding crevice where my heart used to be. thanks a lot for understanding. now i know where i got my genes from. im so freaking pissed. this is really a very ripe time throw in the towel. and its taking all i have not to snap back at you. or anyone else for that matter. what is wrong with me and my life?

all of a sudden, i want sec 4 EYA, farewell and FAM to come quickly. i want to get out of hell.

secrets

2008-08-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

nope dont even dare think i will be subtle about this. i hate your___ standards. i hate being fooled around like some toy. that you choose as and when to reveal things to me. yes oh so conveniently too. you think i cant see through your damm hypocrisy. think again.

i would rather you declare open war then launch your secret spy satellites behind my back

sorry

2008-08-20T21:45:00.001+08:00

sorry people just wait till i get more time to try out sth jia xuan told me about uploading my pics to photobucket. i ll do it after the crazy exam period is over =)

IMCB!!

2008-08-19T17:07:00.001+08:00

hey!! as promised to some... imcb attachement! held last week, from wednesday to friday. jia xuan, charmaine and me basically went to Biopolis for a full three-day attachment. gosh it was horrendous fun!! i do apologise for the darkish quality of the photos. its cuz they are semi transparent due to some darn code on my template... which i have no time to go hunt for and delete =) in the meantime if you want to see the photos as they really are just click the photo and the actual version will come out. thanks!
haha we were actually behaving like tourists in some out of the world playground. =) walking around with cameras and what not.. and taking pictures. thats charmaine and me with the metal dandelion! freaking cute.
and Biopolis is seriously like some science hub... it actl feels like you've been plunked into some 2050 sci fi world. cool!

tada!! another picture of the pretty dandelion. against the backdrop of another building.

haha us at the playground!! =) little children like us also have to play!! haha... then like when we were going to leave a couple of men walked past.. professors i should think. wonder what they were thinking! O.o

then we found this super cool swingy thing below the slide. it could fit only two people!! haha. so two sat down and the other person took pictures! super fun!

heh more pictures of us. charmain and jia xuan's picture was taken from the top of the slide looking downwards. i was practically looking like some lechorous chee ko pek while i was taking it!

and once again at the cosy place below the slide XD

me and charmaine trying to be macho. =) it was super painful staying there waiting for jia xuan to take the photo! ><>

charmaine at another cool corner of the playground

atop the rope structure thing that could surprisingly hold both of us!

posing at the slide. this was supposed to be the glam one.. and then charmaine would take the unglam one as i slide down the slide (insert scream). but the slide was too slippery... and i slid down too fast.. so there isnt any unglam photo! =) thankfully for me!

ok thats all for now... loading pictures takes super long. shall update on the more serious stuff (no more playground photos i hope!! XD) like 2moro... if theres time.
wah there's still english fa to do, maths ws to finish and SMP research paper to send! roar. i need to quit school

because.

2008-08-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

i cried today

how does it feel to be closed in on all sides. your loved ones dont understand. and you cant approach your friends (hm that rhymes?) the only one you can look to is God. and sometimes he answers in the most unimaginable ways. so you just have to keep listening, looking, hoping.

because i reached too far, dreamt too much

our responsibility

2008-08-05T21:56:00.001+08:00

as sec threes and as top batch next year, i really wonder whether we can really pull our socks up in time for SYF. there's so much that we can do, we must do, so that we can improve as a section and pull up the standard of the band
someone help me im scared. scared that we will not have enough strength to carry on. to carry on the task. and i really wanna be the batch of clarinetists that pulls our standard up and make a difference. not just in our sb's playing but the whole section's. its really a huge responsibility. and the thing is that we dont really get what he wants. sure we kinda get it, but maybe not the whole picture
more air, bigger breaths, and the correct embouchure. all of a sudden, our instrucor sessions have become so much more important than we thought they would be.

2008-08-02T17:10:00.000+08:00

you are just generally, infuriatingly, horribly, IRRITATING me!!!

results

2008-07-24T22:52:00.000+08:00

SILVER
82 POINTS
TIED WITH RI IN THIRD PLACE OF OUR DIVISION

i think i really tricked myself into believing that we could do quite well. honestly i think i didnt really do my best. i freaked out too much and after cadenza it was like poof. lie down and sleep as much as possible and catch up on homework. i only really started thinking about it on tuesday after band prac. and wed's instructor prac made me realize how lan4 we really were. gosh. we havent been hearing how we really sound as a section for a long time. like breaking the sound down section part by section part and finding out who is playing wrong notes or wrong tuning etc. and it was like less than a day before SIBF when i realize how much we still have to go. and that was seriously scary

i really dont know whats wrong with me. i know i must buck up but somehow there are also a thousand and one things clamouring for my attention its hard to get my priorities right. and somehow whatever i do, i always get the sinking feeling im not doing my best.. or what i know i can do. shitt. this is so very screwed. what am i doing to my life!!

this is SIBF. and i was thinking that we could actually use this comp to gauge our standard. sigh. really quite depressed now.

my bad

2008-07-17T21:05:00.000+08:00

ooops just realised i told rebecca i had updated my blog after the braces post, but i realised i hadnt. hm. so i shall make it up by posting now

argh i want to watch batman: the dark knight. the trailers and the reviews look so good. and its kinda sad to die at 28, after just finishing a movie. sigh. barely two minutes after i read that heath ledger had died (from an overdose of prescribed drugs.. now i really must check out how that happened), i read in the newspaper that some Harry Potter actor died in a knifefight. what in the world?! and there was some article in 8 days comparing two actors who died at the age of 28. really really sad. i mean its not like i would want to live till 80, but at least live a fruitful life to like maybe 60 plus? that'll be good enough for me.

anyway... enough of the morbid stuff.

its two days to cadenza, i havent finished any of my homework yet, i still owe julian his new revamped blog (oh shuckss that is super overdue), and the overdue bao zhang du hou gan from like term 2 week 8? and like all the cadenza presents and the cards, and i still have to go for the nyec briefing, and the rhd briefing tomorrow. sigh. what is happening to me!!! and my tico tico still sounds like shit. grahhhh. im so worked up now hmph.

irritating

2008-07-09T22:38:00.000+08:00

oh this is so very frustrating. cant get my braces out yet! sth bout alignment not right and some crap like that. a week later or so then can get it out... ahhhh

oh and haha i dont think anyone has found this blog out yet.except julian of course. very good. cuz i havent added tagboard (if the new blogger will allow me to) and i dont know how to link people yet. sigh. i hate school life and im waiting eagerly for next week! yay one whole week with no lesons. albeit the fact that there's practically band every day except friday. and there will be cadenza presents to do, and cadenza on saturday O.o its so near and so unreal. sigh.

homework urgh. still have that english one minute fa thing to do. i dont know how to write a speeeeeeeech.

random

2008-07-01T20:43:00.000+08:00

the school is weird. why repeat the monday's timetable all over again! that means no PE and today's lesson was supposed to be our second last. and i loveeee rugby haha. so fun and rough, and some people in our class are really good a tackling. so much so that poor kezia got squashed and had a meniscus tear. and one of the two that landed on her was me! i think im fat humph. now the poor girl is hobbling around on crutches sigh. garr so malu.

sc auds tomorrow! ahh. inferno is actually quite a nice song. very mysterious and it actl has a nice melody, considering that its a song about hell. =)

june hols

2008-06-29T09:01:00.000+08:00

first installment of my june hols! sorry to all those who have been waiting for a loooong time =)

my whole family went to america america america!

rather fun and exciting except that i went back there was tons and tons of work to do!
picture taken at the airport. oh my gosh this time it really was a killer flight from singapore all the way to alabama. from singapore to tokyo, then to los angeles, then to denver (spelling?!) then to alabama. it was so crazy. my butt hurt after sitting in the airplane for 24 hours!

after one night in alabame it was immediately off to space camp.my team was von tiesenhausen. what a mounthful.
i think thats the saturn V rocket if im not wrong. oh dear i cant remember now. anyway, its a real rocket that was built. compare us to the size of that thing O.o

there was a sudden influx of students from India because two schools came with a whole delegation of students to attend the camp. my school should do it too! itll be such awesome fun and bonding haha. if we can go to wales then why not space camp?!
yogi and me while we were waiting for area 51 games. we kept pronouncing her name wrongly during the camp! darn funny. she keeps laughing at weird things that sends us (or maybe just me) laughing again. oh and she really got on devin's nerves, especially with all the bad words. " why are you so negative?' haha!

our team photo! with the butt of the rocket in it too. i have no idea why this is the spot for official team photos. i think in one of the photos the guys behind us why raising their feet above us girls. and bala or 'chicken' lost their balance and fell down. thats why we re all in a riot in the second picture. XP

whee happy memories. the guys were really spastic throughout the whole camp. and lucky them, some of them are in the same school with other so they can get to reminisce and still get understood.

my group at area 51. haha our team name was holly pamper. just so in case holly finds this post about her and kills me, i wont repeat what happened at the pamper pole. but the pole is just a tall telephone pole with staplers driven into it, and you have to climb it (of course you are strapped into a harness and on belay), climb to the top and get on top of the small disc on top of the pole. swivel around and jump off, trying to hit a white rope dangling a few feet away from you. some of the guys couldnt even get onto the disc, much less jump. and added plus to the fear factor is that the disc moves, and the long slender pole sways in the wind

anyway this is us in one of our group activities

tada! we've finished!
from left to right, gautam, devin, brij, me, holly, 'chicken'

next one coming up. the pictures took darn long to load grr.

FIRST POST! XD

2008-06-27T22:02:00.000+08:00

first post. oh isnt his exciting -rolls eyes-
that other blog was so dead i just had to create a new one =) i like the name haha.

first week of school is always so tiring. it hasnt even got down to real business yet and im feeling all tired and grumpy already. sigh. how do other people cope? sometimes if we arent faced with trouble we are not inclined to try our best. or even try to challenge ourselves. must work harder for this semester yeah!

twenty one (or twenty two to be exact) to cadenza. i dont most of us are feeling the heat or the stress yet. its funny how im so despondent over the state of which im playing and yet im not doing anything. i need motivation! sigh

i love this song. haha pearlyn and i tried to harmonize it in the corr. and it turned out to be failure haha. i think i must really try to laugh softer. -guilty smile- i guffaw too much really.

this one is nice too! should really suggest it to praise and worship. although i doubt that they would actually consider. we could actually veer away from the repetitive songs that they make us sing over and over again because we are too soft. sigh. missing cathecism already. good luck to the junior cats' exams! mel, germ,joce missing yall! XP