Friday, July 31, 2009

10:05 PM

im surely the epitome of the phrase 'frustrated with myself'

and this is not the time for it.

&the beauty.

6:56 PM

hm. just had a nice little talk with my mama in the car, and i've decided (for now at least) to use this blog as erm i dunno a more insubstantial part of my life. like for remmebering the good ole fun times and the fangirling, and the whining and groaning. and the more heartfelt for my diary which i've decided to revive again. oh sigh. i'm getting more and more fickle nowadays.

but at least it'll be good to have a personal space to myself. cuz a locked blog online doesnt really serve as a diary much does it? so cold and unfeeling. to me at least.

hm reading jiaxuan's posts is in no way not interesting heh. (oops and im supposed to be doing my lit fa now). somehow her posts are so much more.. intuitive i guess? and analytic sometimes. more deep.

heh and i just squeal..

and the car is so pretty and so new and filled with soft toys. i've fallen childishly head over heels in love with hugging tor-tor our big blown up tortoise from mini toons to sleep in the back seat. where thankfully there's air-con. not like all those sedan cars where the air con's only in front. i think i've gotten my mother's penchant/love for big SUVs, which my father promised my mum he'll get for her in two or three years! cant wait. if our car is so good and spacious now, the SUV will be so superbly brilliant. and the best thing is that we can go to Malaysia any time we want. =) in the car. in comfort. cuz there's cruise control so i hope mama can drive us there. =) lala. happy happy much.

and somehow.. the harry potter craze seems so unreal to me. especially since i was so unimpressed by goblet,cuz all the wizarding element seems to be squashed under that scary castle imagery they were trying to do, with all the mist, and the forbidding forest. now, with not being able to go with charm and jx to go watch it, and even with all the hype of going like twice every week to go play the game, i dont even feel like watching it already.

anddd. lastly. i'm so looking forward to tomorrow's session. i've got some questions that need answering, and i oh so hope we will be doing revelation or the great adventure series since we've finished the other one. oh please, lets start soon, shall we? =)

&the beauty.

10:03 PM

random things. before i forget.

this is kinda funny. like when i send messages on my phone and i wanna select a recipient, i either have a choice of recent contacts i've sent messages to, or phonebook. and the recent contacts i've had are logos members, and my mum, who has been the reigning champion ever since i got the hp, has been relegated to a dismal 5th. oh dearie. >< quite funny come to think of it.

and i was calculating my approximate costs of buying all the stuff i had planned to buy. and it kinda amounts to near a hundred. why do study bibles cost so much. and the great adventure one is even worse. maybe i should stick to the good ole e books, pontificate letters, and lectio divina. and logos sessions. and webbies. and meditation. i really liked how he explained this. its like as if a whole new world has opened up for me.

oh how it costs 50 plus bucks and thats only the new testament.

and i cant believe how our house doesnt have a single catholic bible. how can. sigh. we all have niv or king james (why king james ah why?) no. catholic. bible. and no ccc too.

i really should get down to working again. study time.

&the beauty.

9:36 PM

i havent had any time for myself this week, ever since monday. but it was good. for it was spent with family, friends, and in the service of God. for the first time in my life, yes first time, dont laugh, i felt good not because i got an essay done or i finished a compre, but because i saw the love of God shining in people's faces, and in the events around me. And i think He works in wonderful and mysterious ways. after such a tumultous, scary, sorrowful, busy, heartbreaking, regret-filled start to the week, and for the first time seeing my mother break down, and seeing her raw faith in God, the Almighty Father has given me sustenence and hope through the bible seminar. now i truly realise that while not even i can comfort my mum but God can, while friends may comfort me, but only God can truly reach deep within my heart, see my pain, see who i truly am, and truly understand me, and comfort the insignificant me.

its truly such a blessing. that i was feeling so down yet He has uplifted me. He has given me countless warnings, but I have not listened. But I will this time.

And today was really really.. no words can express it. I've felt so blessed that even from the Garden of Eden where our first parents committed original sin, God has given us a glimmer of hope, that His all encompassing love reaches out and covers us His children. and how we are called to be disciples of His, matyrs of His, to BE HIS KINGDOM in this world, and witness to others His magnificent love. and i ask myself, where in my life have I done this. For i have always asked but never given. and if my mother is self-sacrificial (to the point of covering up her own grief for our own good. ma please dont, let me share in your burden please.), then God is the utmost undying love.

And I have been filled with such joy and wonder at His Word today, at his immaculate plans. truly His time rivals no other. How Jesus our Passover Lamb has redeemed us, and He has prepared a room for us in heaven, and all of us can rest assured that er yi is there partaking in the 'marriage vows' that God has promised us, the eternal rest, that she is dancing in eternal joy. oh thank God, Praise God the Almighty Father.

May I never forget the zest that filled me today. I have felt so blessed working for the Lord, seeing the people filter out of the hall with light on their faces, newfound joy. (oh yes i must remmeber to bring the money!) and thank you so much to all those on the organizing team. i know i have given ben stress too XD and gen for being the other wonderful half of me. thank you for staying back when i didnt, and helping me finish the board.

I have been filled with such a hunger for God's Word. maybe its cuz of that innate feeling in me sometimes when i see unread books. like i want to read them and devour them. but this hunger was like nothing else. like i felt so inadequate, and only God could fill me like a water tank that will never get full. like a sponge. ok whatever metaphor there can be. I wanted so much to learn more, so much to learn His will for me, that no matter where I may want to go, it is because it is His will for me, and what He wants me to do, and that in my actions, people may see His kingdom come. to study His Word really this isnt studying at all. how could i have ever thought that! for all the months being in logos, I've never appreciated my ministry more. sure, praise and worship is bravo, but im like musically challenged much. =) im more suited being the audience, singing praises to God who has blessed us and taken us under His wing although we have failed Him so many many many times. thank you Lord for logos, and for gen and for all the people who have made this event possible. im glad i said i would take part. and i know my mum has been stressed over my staying out so late. hmm so thats why im here at 9 40 typing this out, while the others are at the hall putting in the last touches to the hall exhibition. my heart aches, i should be with you guys sharing in the joy of serving others, touching others, but i also totally enjoyed my diner with my family. i think ever since the events of last week, we all have silently made resolutions not to wait till the last minute to show our love. this was the first time we took out those playing cards ever since like what the start of the year?

and i should add another thing. i think we have really touched people and i thank God for talking to us through thomas smith (who is a great guy, and so full of knowledge of God's Word. and so eagar to tell us more and more and more). i was counting the love offerings in the youth office and i have never handled so much money before in my life, and people were just so generous and it was so touching. and many many people said yes i want to have more events like this, whether by our church or by other churches. this has been so uplifting.

ok enough said. maybe pictures tomorrow so i can remember this eventful week. and today of course. wow. I praise you God for Your Love. thank you for everything you've done for me. thank you thank you thank you.

&the beauty.

5:32 PM

got this from

another person's blog

The Logos

"In the beginning was the Logos, and the Logos was with God, and the Logos was God. He was in the beginning with God; all things were made through Him, and without Him was not anything made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men ... And the Logos became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld His glory, glory as of the only Son from The Father." (John 1:1-4,14 RSV)

Logos Many recognize those familiar words of the apostle John, with perhaps one exception. We have used the original Greek word Logos (illustrated at right) in place of Word, that most English-language Bibles use in those translated Scriptures.

What and Who was The Logos?

If we carefully read what John wrote in his Gospel account, we see that the Logos was with God, and was God, but was not a God, because there is only one God:

"Fear not, nor be afraid; have I not told you from of old and declared it? And you are My witnesses! Is there a God besides Me? There is no Rock; I know not any" (Isaiah 44:8 RSV)

The Logos was the wisdom and power by which God created the heavens and the earth:

"He is the image of the invisible God, the first-born of all creation; for in Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or authorities - all things were created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is the head of the body, the church; He is the beginning, the first-born from the dead, that in everything he might be pre-eminent. For in Him all the fulness of God was pleased to dwell." (Colossians 1:15-19 RSV)

The Logos became flesh, but God did not become flesh:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him." (John 3:16-17 RSV)
"And the Logos became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld His glory, glory as of the only Son from The Father." (John 1:14 RSV)

Jesus Christ obeyed God, and said of The Father:

"I do as the Father has commanded Me, so that the world may know that I love The Father." (John 14:31 RSV)

the above is really not mine ok.

just... God speaks to me in so many ways. in the midst of so much turmoil, and general busy-ness, reproach and the seminar, He still takes me into His hand, time and time again, after i've failed, or haven't tried my best. and teaches me that there's always time to try again, to learn after having being weak, to pick myself up, and face what's coming even though all i want to do is run away and hide. life was never easy. no one said it was going to be.

&the beauty.

8:45 AM

老橡树上的黄丝带(Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree)歌词

I'm coming home I've done my time*(1)
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me
If you still want me

Oh tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years do you still want me
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus forget about us put the blame on me*(2)
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree

Bus driver please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison and my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free
I wrote and tell her please

Oh tie a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree
It's been three long years do you still want me
If I don't see a ribbon round the ole oak tree
I'll stay on the bus forget about us put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the ole oak tree

Now the whole damn bus is cheering
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons round the ole oak tree
I'm coming home

well other than the fact that im supposed to translate this thing, i think its so poignant. and so.. how do i say it. so sad, and yet so hopeful and optimistic, like the dawn of the morning and the birds are chirping yet the room is still all so dark.

and well, i had better stop reveling in the song cuz i do need to translate it.

&the beauty.

8:21 AM

i've been feeling so weird lately. so out of touch some how.

and funnily though, this blog is becoming somewhat like a diary for me. i've more of less abandoned the other one, firstly cuz (yes i know its childish) but i really cannot stand my handwriting, secondly, my mum's been reading it without be knowing, and thirdly, it aint not much of a secret in my family that my pretty little book well, houses secrets. sighh.
but another thing about a blog is that i cant exactly stop ppl from reading. so i guess this shall have to do while i find another outlet. maybe a locked blog? or ... hm i dont really know.

i think i've become more reminiscent this year. i keep holding on to the memories of the psat, and then comparing it to this year, or last week, or last month. and i try desperately to hold on to whatever i have left. and it really saddened me that after my first explosive first day at school after philippines, the enthusiasm for school kind of died down. and when jia xuan and i were trying to pick out from our gray matter what funny stuff or memorable stuff had happened on every day after i came back, oh man, we couldnt remember. i really dont want the last year of my life to be so.. uneventful? just because i cant remember the good ole times we've had. so haha, i've got little snapshots of my rgs life written in my handbook, a stark and very visual reminder set against the backdrop of all the homework jotted down, or the events to remember, stuff like that. i'm glad i got such a nice and pretty handbook at the beginning of the year, so that i will always remember when i go to work or inexorably grow up.

oh yes.... since i havent blogged for so long, everything keeps coughing up. after the last time where we played the harry potter on friday, (where we learnt STUPEFY!! yes stupefy not the stupify lah. it really looks like as if we're trying to make someone stupid. and learnt how to run around like geeks not knowing how to find the quidditch place. and learnt how to really brew a potion! oh man. haha jiaxuan: potions is really more fun than chem!) i bought that 70 cent ice cream from macdonald which to me is seriously on of the best ice creams in the world. one, its cheap. two, did i mention it was CHEAP? three, its sweet, refreshing and not that oily creamy taste you get with some ice creams sometimes. four, the wafer is just awesomely crunchy. and five, the last part is heavenly. sweet, cold, crunchy. YUM YUM.

i realise i digress a lot.

point of matter being, after i ate that ice cream, took a leisurely walk back to the bus stop. i thought bout lots of things. seriously, i love quiet times. we human beings just somehow need time away from others. then i got on the bus, and there was this cute adorable girl, not more than 2 or 3 i think. (i'm very bad at estimating ages). she dropped this empty sweet packet she was holding, and i picked it up for her. then went back to where i was standing. the adorable girl kept holding out the packet, saying jie jie (very cutely XD) and her ah mah was kinda like ' bu yao pian jia jia lah, mei you tang guo le!" but i was like never mind, so i played with her, took it and returned it back XD then it was time to get off. she stood on her ah ma's lap and waved goodbye and flying kiss-ed (oh my, the same way that i used to with my mum when she went off to work when we were in our yishun flat. she used to ask from the doorway, and i would clutch the iron bars. oh my oh my.) so i stood at the bus stop not wanting to go into school and waved good bye.

and heheh i was smiling stupidly and did a small twirl dance in the corridor when i realised there were girls going home haha. and i didnt put my nametag on till uh i passed those girls.

&the beauty.

11:36 AM

you made it all
said let there be
and there was,
all that we see,

the sound of your voice,
the works of your hands,
you do all thing well,
you do all things well.

Amen.

&the beauty.

7:48 PM

some pretty pictures of life flying by. taken somewhere near or in bukit batok i think.

&the beauty.

11:31 PM

my wife goes with me to the front door,
my friends accompany to the main street.
my children go with me to the cemetery
who goes with me to the end?

who can lead us through life's journeys but ourselves? families are your pillar of support. but they've got their own lives as well, they can't bother about you forever.

and my mum's being infinitely cute XD trying to learn how to use gmail. haha quite epic. what's this what's that.

and tomorrow =) im smiling to myself thinking about it. school becomes such a joy when you think positively of it, and remember the things that you'll miss when you go, and then enjoying them all the more. we're going to lido again tomorrow.. to play harry potter!! duelling hahaha. i seriously think the two of them bowing to each other with wands in their hands, and bowing in such a medieval way is simply hilarious. and playing with jia xuan is darn fun =)

and and.. my sister has finally given up on her jason mraz craze, went briefly through a disney songs, then beyonce, and now its taylor swift. >< its been coming to one week already. oh dear. i totally can recognize her songs by now i think. i dont know how she did her dsa application form with all those songs running by!!!

&the beauty.

8:33 AM

YES FEDERER WON HIS 15TH GRAND SLAM TITLE!!!!!!

&the beauty.

8:54 PM

oh man. im such a sucker for happy endings arent i.

australia was so good, so heartwarming, so hilariously funny, downright scary at one point, beautiful scenery, excellent cinematography if that s the way you spell it. and the themes. oh goodness. how all the characters and the personas and the themes of the story were pulled seamlessly into the climax, flashing all at once, the galupa, the three main characters, the carnage, the tears the smoke, the death, and then the life. as i said im a sucker for sweet happy endings, nicole kidman and hugh make such a great pair, all the stuff i like about movies are all struck into one big deal, with lots more to boot.

hugh is so hot and nicole kidman does such a great job, and so does nullah. the use of the plateau during the middle, that perfect time the three of them had together. was such a great plot device. cuz everything was perfect, life was perfect, the dynamics of that family was perfect. but when they tear themselves apart cuz of some stupid fight, and then the war makes them think that they've lost each other, and then then they find each other again. i cried. (quite a funny picture. crying in front of the com, with my pink earphones. i think i would have looked a bit weird).

but then they were given a second chance. and they appreciate each other more because of the scare they've had, when death is irreversible and you cant hold it back.

im such in an emo-y state.

i really should have know to watch this with someone then watch it by myself and then emo here in front of this unfeeling com. hm. i ll just hyperventilate here then try to do some chinese. before my tuition tomorrow hai.

becky and the rest of my family are watching war of the worlds. OH RIGHT XD
ads. and beckys replying now =)

so many people died. the mother (now we cant say her name anymore cant we?), her brother, the evil bad man, the faultless catharine (who had to die to make a point, who was too naive to see her husband was such a bad ass. sigh), maitland, thousands others in world war 2. (more than that), so many so many.

coming back home was like picking up where we all left off because life's like that. it sucks you in, reminds you of everything you had to do and have to do, the insignificant little things that arent that really important after all.

i felt so guilty. going back after five years. only rushing back because the people you love are in danger and they're going away. so.. i dunno. i felt so cheated. oh shit. i feel so many things.

like walking away from school. i hate how i used to sleep in class, and i hate how only after my mum came back from the parent teacher thing did i then realise that all the teachers actually are disappointed. and concerned. and that sleeping late was such a stupid thing to do. and that people in my class have actually labeled me to something to that effect. the girl who always sleeps in class. and faced with just changing seats, and then (at that time) having to walk away and stay away for 2 weeks was excruxiating. and i had never felt so much like running back and attending class before. and what am i going to do when these 19 weeks end? and i really have to turn around and walk away? second chance. take it and go.

like going back, and realising everything has changed. that your grandparents think so highly of you. think that you're their prize scholar, that all these years you;ve been doing well. that you've got a future plan for your life and you've got none. at all. not even the vaguest idea what you would like to do cuz you've got ideas but they are flitting around the place. and going back after three days. knowing that anytime you could get a call. and wishing you could have stayed longer that first week of july. and life doesnt give second chances. not when there isnt anymore left. i really hope that this november will come when we can go back again. i really hope that we can go back again, that God grant us this second chance, and hopefully even in time for their golden anniversary next year.

i feel so cheated. that everytime someone near me passes away or is near to the gates of heaven, im only told then. why why why do the adults think we cannot take it, when all we are left with is regret, that we hadnt taken the time to appreciate what we had and create more memories. cuz its no use going to the hospital bed anymore. NOT ANYMORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

its raining now.
there could be life again.

im praying.. that they can hold on, find the strength to hold on, that God grant them peace, that His will be done, and that I will be prepared for it when it comes. I pray that He will grant me the strength too, that He might guide me and show me the way so that I won't waste my time anymore, because it is precious.

&the beauty.