you're a mystery yourself

Sunday, April 5, 2009

10:52 PM

jodi picoult is good. jodi picoult writes good stories. jodi picoult is a master with themes, she knows what she wants, and her metaphors are intriguing. and the best of all, she is really so insightful.

julia's lit pt is in shambles. julia cant write a story for nuts. julia is depressed with her own writing and thats kind of sad. julia has missed her deadline that she put down for herself to finish writing THRICE. julia is disillusioned with her writing. especially when she compares it with jodi picoult's

juxtaposition hm

at least jodi picoult take nine months to write one novel. im taking 2 days and 5 hours to write 2000 plus words.

oh joy. i need to surpass the writers' block. AND get some insight. man. i hate superficiality and thats what my writing is.

&the beauty.

7:51 PM

finally having the courage and the ability to smile. and laugh. while really feeling happy =)

and by the way. i love rgssb to bits. the band room's my home, my batchmates and juniors form a major part of my life, and though the silver bites, there is a silver lining (quote talia XD) to this whole experience.

i know those people mean well, but it kind of gets on my nerves (im sorry, really) when they look at me with that pitying look. i have to keep reminding myself that i have got over it and i will not think about it anymore. i have to keep my faith strong in band and the people that make up the band.

i love rgssb. and thats it. thats final. and nothing can replace it.

and for other stuff now.

where is charmaine????? she pulled a mia on us. and im quite worried now. hasnt replied mine or jx's smses. wont answer the phone. didnt tell us where she went. where where where??

homework. my father and i made a deal. and well one of the conditions is that i have to sleep early. oh well. now that there's band break i think i can fill the end of my bargain.

lit pt. lets hope i can finish 1500 plus words. and i need to post photos. i have this general i-dont-want-to-socialise now lethargy. havent touched fb, bandfusion,photos, camera, phone and blah for these few days. >< and now my sister's irritating me with jason mraz

&the beauty.

9:10 PM

well i hope im sane enough to really put up with whats in my mind. typing.writing it out may very well stop my thoughts from running around in circles like what they have been doing for the past few hours.

was really depressed today during class. oh well. thanks to the orange testicle (the flat little thingy now) and my very interesting seatmate who kept me alive and vibrant even though i wasnt really feeling like that inside. thanks charmaine for all your midnight counselling. and THANKS JIAXUAN!! for the little gift. it really really touched me, and encouraged me to pull up my socks!!!
not lost... undiscovered.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for understanding what im going through and comforting me and listening through my whining, the both of you. its really how ironic that my greatest comforters come from people who arent in band.

well then during rs i moped around a bit more. submerged myself in math to keep my head busy with something else. and then mo's talk.

i dunno, perhaps i wasnt really thinking very postively, but i kept hearing 'bounce back' and not results but everything else. if you read it from the 'cup is half empty' side, we have deproved, or maybe moved less together as a band. the recordings. and bounce back kind of indicates we have touched the ground, reached the lowest of the low. if you read it that way.. that is. well. what mo said was really true. our impression of the music we were playing might not be how the audience is receiving it. i thought was really awesome. the best that i could ask for seeing how we have a history of freezing on stage and screwing up because of fright. i felt really so emotional during X, and as the band really really crescendo-ed to the peak. would have cried if i wasnt already running out of air. i felt we were good, impressive, and conveyed our music to the audience out there (and yes the applause was sweet. but the echoes even more so). but apparently it wasnt as great and together as we thought it was. as a whole we might not have sounded that well. maybe the audience and judges should have stood in our midst, heard our collective breaths and seen us move together as a band.

thanks mrs koh for the chocolates, ms lim for coming down, mr mizar for that amusing little speech. and most of all to mo who made it a point to come down and encourage us.

well then after that i just kept replaying all the confusion in my mind. again and again. cyclic reasoning huh.

i dunno. i dont really understand even know. are we just delusional little idiots who run around playing music? for one thing, many people have come to me and comforted me (thanks to shan jee and zong min. yall came to me when the wound was raw and heard me talk it out and yeah convince myself for that little while thank you!). and the thing is that they too felt that our playing was splendid and impressive. most got shocked out of their seats by the starting of turandot, and loved the ending, and i to j as well. and amusingly, asked us to contest the results. most just felt that we should have deserved something more, judging from what they've heard us play at the koi pond, and outside in the foyer when we were playing in ks chee. which was what i felt too, all the way from yesterday to today. but really, our band has placed emphasis on making our music reach out to others, made our music turn them from happy to sad, tense to bliss, scared to excited. we're the little magicians of rgssb.
we make the music. but unfortunately we dont have the technicalities that the judges are looking out for. togetherness. tuning. we didnt have enough of these things i guess. tightness.

which really made me wanna cry, and think why didnt we do these things on top of everything else? I i keep thinking if i didnt push enough, insist enough, didnt do everything possible. i listen i critique but i cant make the section improve. some section leader i am. i keep wondering where we have gone wrong, or where we could have improved. because since we have our strengths, we have to find where the loopholes are and fix them. now. and why didnt i fix them earlier.

this is like some mid life crisis. its only after spending like 40 plus years of your life that you look ahead and see that there isnt much left for you.. look back and ask what you did that made a difference. and then ask what has the whole point of your life has been. is this how farewell and graduation from rgs will feel like? that emptiness cuz you know this particular stage of your life is over, and despite the many opportunities you had to make it right, you still didnt do as well as you could or should have done? its only when its nearing the end when we start to treasure everything we have left.

was looking at the band schedule that ive always kept in my file. only a few months to our farewell. this particular journey is as good as over for us already. and what have we left behind? felt so grahh empty. sorry... i couldnt trust myself to speak then. i know you were trying to help. really appreciate that! really. hm but i guess i wasnt in much control of myself. and started bawling after you left. like some little crybaby. grrr cuz i heard our sec threes indiving in the corridor. and they have one more year left. one more year to do that. to enjoy. nessun dorma. and we just have that much left and btw, i was just walking through the other corr, because for almost one whole year of my band life that staircase and that corridor has been my home, and out of both i would prefer our sec three one. its so homely, it gives that atmosphere of being at peace. of times when we laughed so much together, whereas now in the mornings its pretty much everyone sleeping on the floor. times when we indived together. laughed at each other. tried to crack our brains over presents. discussed direct plans in dec of sec two. times when i went there depressed cuz of eya marks but brightened up because of batchmates. and then went lalala to far east for bubble tea.those were the times of my life when band was more than 50 per cent of my life. when band filled up the empty spaces and left warmth and laughter behind. sec three was the best year of my life i think.

and well now. sec four. our band life's over. or just relatively over.

i must say im proud of my section overall lah. in spite of this low and depressing post, for the most part. it has been an enjoyable year, though not the most since i think sec three was the best out of the four?? but certainly with all the responsibilities and everything came stress. jess was really right, come to think of it (and yeah i was LEFT behind haha. and only thought about that now). with all those responsibilites comes the bigger chance or risk of screwing everything up. although of course you can take it that you can improve so much more. you have the power and responsibility to do both. i tried my best, not all the time, but most. and maybe the best wasnt enough? thinking back, there are times when i just took the easy way out, i was too soft, followed too much. i know for one i didnt emphasize tuning. big mistake. mann even the fluboes tuning was better than us sometimes.. well at least for the few i heard. good job mary!!! i came off as evil and dao and that had a negative effect on the juniors. thats the biggest regret, i think of this tenure as section leader. i dunno how, but it really saddens me. it doesnt piss me off but it really is painful when i and my sb for that matter really cared about how the section was playing. but yeah. came off as dao and evil. sigh. =( but i think we all just came out all the better for it. i enjoyed playing with the batch together. all the ra ra and the talking and the band practices. oh my gosh the band practices. in all these four years, i havent felt that much of uplifting, laughed so much, heard so many of mr oura's stories. this year, it really felt like he was inspiring us to do so much more, play out with our hearts so much more. reach the audience, play with emotion, get down to the music and enjoy our playing so much more. he let us listen to the japanese bands, told us motivational stories. the atmosphere was just so much better. and i think this is really the most heartfelt and the most important thing that characterises this year. (last year it was all the batch experiences. well this year, we're busier???) it was the band practices. so fulfilling. tiring at times. but worth it. we were all in it and for the music. i loved it.

hm we werent together in playing. but in the highest level of togetherness in spirit.

and in the batch corr. well. i heard the clar, and the oboe. playing. and i dunno. its just well.. unfair that our juniors have to take the load? i hope that they wont be pressured and feel that the band must improve because of what we have done. no sorry, because of this year. no it really isnt that way. this silver is not a burden. it shouldnt be and i hope it will not be. well, neither is it inconsequential too. i hope they wont take it the wrong way. its alright to cry now and think now. but this experience was worth it. it was worth the tears, the laughter, the heartache, the united spirit we showed. dont feel additional pressure ok. this just shows that we have areas to improve on, and that we are on a different wavelength from others.

everything i think about, that we have to improve our tone, tuning, tonguing, emotion, everything. its not for us to do anymore. our life is done for. (haha sounds so fatalistic) all these areas of improvement are in their hands now. we now just have to stand back and enjoy the rest of our band life as much as we can. just like what we've always been doing.

i really hope that i stop feeling like as if we are breaking apart. i really hope that we can use this band break to come together more. and treasure our last days. band camp, and inunion, and then farewell. we've been so bonded so far, and we should all just come together for the last lap. together.

ah well. then after batch lunch (which i arrived late for ><) i just went back. and the people in school are just mostly prepping up for their own syf. it was kind of painful too, seeing them all. but it was... i dunno. fun in a way too. encouraging others to do their best so they wont.. anklung was funny =) and cute. bong even had the time to wave to me several times. they sound quite good =) and malay dance was cool. shall find the time to send mandy the video of their whole routine. taped it down for them so that they could see what they're dancing, but halfway through the cam ran out of battery. irritating. its almost full to the brim of camwhoring photos in the classroom. of us having fun. wish yall the best on tuesday!!! and on a sidenote i didnt realise that their swords were so heavy. well relatively heavy. and they swing them around effortlessly. cool. =) and now reading the post-syf posts. quite disappointed in myself for having been so un-musicianship-like if there is even such a word. i wish i could reconcile myself to all these warring factors. but i guess its just a matter of time. i guess jiaxuan summarized it more neatly than i could ever have, even before i have, and even before anyone in band could have told me so. maybe they were looking out for come things and we were looking out for some other things. (yes yes yes!!) and we really shouldnt let this stop us-- well the future rgssb, and we should get up and just strive on. it hurts.. but it shouldnt stop us. really!!! we are good, and most importantly, we really did enjoy ourselves. and yes. this performance... not competition.. was the most nerve-racking one of my life. the most stressful, but after the the opening bars, it was the most blissful and lovely one of my life. syf 07 for me was more like notes. concentrate on the fingers and air. although mo's smile after that was heavenly. this time too, i felt so warm inside as we finished. hearing the echoes fade off beautifully. i got carried away by nessun dorma, by D and E and F and J and L and M and everything else. even typing the letters now gives me that warm fuzzy feeling. and haha as weird as this may sound i get the general mood of each part of that melody as i think about them. D was fast and quickk and satisfying when the brass and wwds play bar 40 and 41 nicely and e and f are really just emotional especially for the last phrase of the melody. and mo's expression every single time during the last few band pracs. (and yes. i dunno whether its because this is the first time i've really watched mo this closely, but this has been the first time i've seen mo conduct with such raw and touching emotion. his conducting is really superb. you can really feel what he is mentally playing in his head, his impression of the music, and how he wants us to convey it. all in his conducting. watching him for nessun dorma and X again and again. i never get tired and i never ever NOT feel his emotion and his feelings. and i hope i played it through my music too. thank you mo for your vision and your strength and for inspiring us so much. that day in the classroom listening to saitama sakae high school. and then to him really expressing his vision. and inciting in us the passion to really want to do well and tell the audience our story. )

so. well. this almost sounds like a farewell. but still.

although i am disappointed in some aspects, and i regret the times i could have done better, strived harder, i still am proud of syf 09, of our experience and journey as band, though rocky at times, but hopeful. and most of all.. musical. i've never before felt so much emotion, loved the piece we were playing so much, and felt so happy after finishing our grandest performance on stage. well done to all of us, but remember to stive on!

well done sbms. you've been there for the past few years, and i hope we can really come together for our last hundred plus days! section... its your turn now, thats all i can say. i've seen yall try to improve and its been encouraging at times =) smile and move on!!! (though i may not seem like it at times) but i really love our section to bits. for the people who have been in it and who have tried. the band. although i may not have spoken to each and everyone.. but we've all united in one performance and have really done ourselves proud. well done! lastly, to all my friends who have been there one way or another, when i've tried to conceal my tears, but you've made it all the more easier to bear. thanks for all the smses that i read after syf, even from people that i didnt expect. thanks for comforting me afterwards, and thanks for the encouragement! jx the socks and the note was really worth it! it really means a lot to me. thanks wiggle two!! and may we wiggle all the way to the end of our school year. wiggleeee!! =)

&the beauty.