you're a mystery yourself

Friday, February 27, 2009

9:41 PM

as per my new resolution to keep myself updated about what has happened in my life, and record everything before it slips away.. here goes nothing.

sli heh.
its our last one
quite a scary one
since i havent been noticing sli very much. i remember i was reading a book/ totally ignoring sli in sec one. and then sec two and sec three well.. maybe it was just the number of people i knew that were up there smiling, looking nervous, bobbing up and down on the stilettos, and wondering what have i could have done during my four years of rgs to make a difference or leave a legacy behind. strange how im so fortunate to be in a school rife and full to the brim of opportunities and yet... and yet... i feel as if i have not done enough, i have not reacherd my full potential or what i can really be. really strange thought. and really disconcerting im having them now, and not two years earlier or something.

oh well. rjc next year. its becoming more of a reality. travelling there by public transport, a new fresh reality, but will nevertheless become a chore after a few months. grah. and the bright green skirt. and i hope.. more camaderie, and chances to hold on to my friends in rgs. dont slip away through my fingers. we have to stay together, keep together. otherwise the memories would just fade away too.

lse today. again. its dominating my life.
printing the handbook. which wasnt supposed to be my job.
team dynamics are just really nonexistent. (note to self: be MORE OPTIMISTIC) sometimes, i just keep criticising, i lose control and lose track of myself, and that isnt supposed to happen. need to step back and take a breath. breatheeeee

oh yes... and the mentors' workshop. really fulfilling. what with COMPASS and DIE and whatnot. which are really helpful, but then again applying it to real life is a whole new different thing. theory and practical are two things so alike and yet diametrically different its hard to squash the two ideals together. like trying to squash the mentors' ideal team with what we have now, and to continually stay upbeat and encourage the team and myself to keep pushing forward. i really don't want to think about the trip. they are leaving next week friday. WITHOUT me and brenda. WITHOUT. i guess the reality hasnt hit yet. that i wont be able to see NTP. not again. or our hostel. or the ngu binh kids. or thuy bang. or facilitate my juniors. or see them grow, get frustrated, break through, solve their problems and come back with a smile on their faces and a whole lot more bonded then before. i ll be missing so much its hard to bear.

but i still hope i can be there for them when they need me. (i still cant believe ahhh). heart ache.

2moro really must go well. the team is cracking up like ground that is parched by the sun. so many loopholes, problems that arise when we are not in control of ourselves. instead the situation is in control of us. oh please. let them realise whatever we have been worrying about these past few weeks. we are not trying to bring you down with all these. we arent seriously. this is just for everyone to y'know trash things out. make things clear before we go on the trip. no.. the 14 of you go on the trip. by then you would have to live 24/7 with each other. and there will be so many things you will feel dissatisfied with. i wish them all the best.

and thanh.. dont stress too much. i see the lines on your face everytime i come. i know what you are worrying about. and im really really sorry i cant come and share your burden on the trip. thats the heaviest burden.

grahhhh

and chem and english and bio and physics. what am i doing online.
and my sis saw erh my diagram of the make reproductive system. in detail. hehh wonder what she was thinking

&the beauty.

10:45 PM

ok i shall promise myself this is the last time in the whole month i shall complain.

SLI until 10am
from 10 to like 8 something LSE all the way. mrs ang get well soon!! its barely a week left and you can't fall sick! please dont fall sick!! ahhhh. i really hope that next year's team will be so much more productive. and maybe on a more selfish note, that brenda and i can go for the LSE cambodia if it is confirmed. i've been feeling so left out of the team's activities, and let still have to worry day and night whether cxc has been doing stuff or not.
sometimes i feel so helpless when i see them scurry around disorganized, failing to give a good impression to others, snapping at each other, arguing and all that. i wonder what i can really do to help them. note to self: be a better mentor. and be a better person.

then saturday about the same thing. lse till 530 then brenda comes to my house for SMP. script powerpoint and abstract printing. -sobs- so my whole saturday is effectually burned up. gone in ashes. hopefuly time will arise like a phoenix.

sunday! church! and tuition and more tuition.

ok wow.
after running through my schedule i see i have a grand total of one sunday evening to work on bio, physics, and english. not that english has much to work on for, but there's physics data analysis and a whole lot of memory work for bio!

AHHHHH
panic attack.

Lord, help me find a way through this mess. There is nothing in the world that You and I can't do and fulfill together. Let me find Your will in my life, and follow that lifeline back home.

PLEASE.

&the beauty.

1:29 PM

VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM VIETNAM

&the beauty.

10:49 PM

I WANT TO GO FOR LSE!!

my heart's breaking inside. the team just needs all the help they can get. and all this seems just another replay of emotions and the same roller coaster ride as last year, except that now we are the ones desperately trying to stem the tide of time and help heal the wounds that were spread gaping open today.

is this some curse of the vietnam twinning trip or whattt. what is the winning solution of other teams?? and why cant we make this work, despite all the good intentions we have?? what must we do???

and i really want to do well for SSEF too. not because its a prestigious competition or anything, but because itll be somehting to show that i wasnt being useless here in singapore while the rest are in vietnam changing lives. well hopefully they will be, or at least find something useful in their lives and really realise what person they can be.

and honestly speaking, we are not very well off from last year. maybe we have even deproved. well it looks like it.

&the beauty.

12:22 AM

was just talking with pearlyn today.. about well whether we would ever marry someone outside our own race (aka not chinese)

and its strange how i've been so assimilated into this Singaporean community that i never realize how different my heritage is from other people. (kudos to all that multicultural singaporean concepts). although the difference is staring at me right in the face. like every single time i write my name.. english or chinese. its so sad, and so wasted, that i hardly know anything about my parents, where they came from, their history, background. im only ever concerned in the now, the future, what homework is due tomorrow. and then our parents become more like vehicles to carry us into the next tomorrow.

and im quite ashamed. i dont even know how to speak tagalog, and know even less about phillippines than vietnam.

how ironic i wrote that darn and out of point chinese compo about how singaporean youths are losing their cultural heritage when there's one good example right here.

oh dear, here goes the new year resolution to learn tagalog before the end of the year when we go back to phillippines. and we havent gone to see my grandparents in 4 years. really scary. and i just get the feeling that im unfilial. (since when have i even thought about them.. or even remembered their birthdays? and phone conversations are always awkward and embarassing. SIGH) how to break out of this apathy?

and there i go thinking too much again. GROWL.

&the beauty.

10:26 PM

ok i am officially royally pissed

LSE team meeting 3.30 onwards
Bio CES (doing the cool plasmid DNA experiment thingy)
SSEF Briefing at Dalton
Lunch date with my mummy (owe her from dunno how many ages ago)

AND THEY ARE ALL AT THE SAME TIME TOMORROW!!
why in the world is my life full of pyainful coincidences?!?!?! grawl

and oh haha one more thing. rebecca looks darn funny while attempting to play the flute. got the picture but wont post it =)
and another random fact: Survivor's Law II, Boys over Flowers, Word Twisters' Adventures and lastly the Return of Iljimae
dramas that im watching right now! or rather attempting to watch sigh. with the kind of work right now.. its more like 15 minutes every week. ><

and SIGHHH i typed a whole lot of stuff just now.. and then my comp died and i dont feel like retyping anymore. there goes all the angsty stuff about band and life and my confusion and my irritation and my family and my homework and my school life and all that griping. maybe that's good....

Someone's telling me to let go.

SMILE =D

life is good

&the beauty.